forever_sims

forever_sims @ 2009-02-02T04:47:00

2009-02-02T10:51:26Z

Hey everyone... it's been a long time. I've been feeling really unmotivated and have recently been going through some bad stuff in my personal life. I have a double update in preparation that I will finish as soon as possible, and I also got Seasons and Free Time for Christmas so there'll be new stuff in future updates if all goes well. Sorry about the ridiculously long hiatus.

forever_sims @ 2008-09-03T21:40:00

2008-09-04T02:41:37Z

UNGH, I AM SO SORRY FOR MY ABSENCE.

Someone please kick my lazy ass into gear so that I can update!

GENERATION HELLLLLLL

2008-07-11T07:06:08Z

So when I said "very very soon" I obviously meant several weeks. Context clues and all that, you know. I'm slow and lazy, what can I say.

About a thousand years ago, in the last update, Morrigan was a big fat failure, literally.

As you can see, nothing at all has changed. I really sympathize with you Morrigan. Your life is difficult to manage. Why, the other day you almost had to actually ACCOMPLISH something!

At some point Hera's eyebrows spontaneously turned blonde. Um, okay? I'm really at a loss this time, does anyone know why this happens?

Can we SHUT UP about balls for five seconds please? Even I'm getting sick of it. ~~So why did I take the picture?~~ SILENCE!!

This is the "friend" Morrigan brought home from school. Air quotes because, please, like she'd have a friend. She's pretty homely and desperate-looking, so you know what that means: HOOKUPS, WUT WUT.

Morrigan: Your nose is so far away from your upper lip... SUCH a turn on! And it's so very... ~pointy.~

Nose Ho (No'Ho for short): But did you see the boobs? They're pointy too. Look. At the boobs. Booooobs.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

But of course Morrigan can't NOT fuck it up, and No'Ho gets all pissed over something. Geez, what's a girl gotta do to get some around here?

No'Ho: Oh no you DI-IN'T just say I was pretty.

Morrigan: I... I'm sorry? I didn't mean it. You're actually fairly ugly! Please believe me!

And all was right with the world. Or with the lesbian encounter in the livingroom, at least.

Later that night No'Ho earns even more points in my book by bringing a gift over! Yay, free stuff from easy chicks!! Could this be the beginning of a long and happy relationship?

D: On second thought, I think I'll keep my distance...

Oh god, what is it? Anthrax? SATAN?!

First of all, standing around in one spot for a few hours doesn't count as an "outing." Second, you were kissing Morrigan. You were kissing Morrigan. How is that, in any way, ridiculously fun?

This can mean only one of two things:

1. Morrigan is actually not as much of a failure as every single one of her poor life choices has made her seem.

2. No'Ho is fucking crazy.

Mmhm. I think we've reached our conclusion here.

Before you even say anything... I know. I know, I know, I KNOW. I know there are already 6 other kids in the house, and 6 adults. BUT THIS REALLY IS THE VERY LAST CHILD OF THIS GENERATION, I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

Hera: Hey, I'm pregnant again!

Morrigan: Bitch are you fo' reals?

The time has come for the triplets ~~to show me if they're heir material~~ to grow up.

Isis: May I light myself on fire instead of the candles?

No, you may not.

Isis: -settles for this instead-

:|

You two better not disappoint me. The alternatives are just not good.

AGING

IS

REALLY EXCITING!!!!

Enma is fairly hot. He looks a LOT like his dad, but he also reminds me of Seth in more ways than one. But we'll get to that later.

Enma: Die in a puddle of puke, assholes.

I said WE'LL GET TO THAT LATER.

Tragically, as I was giving Tyr a makeover, he was viciously attacked and got all these scars. Really! It wasn't just because he looked too much like his brother and I needed a cheap way to differentiate him or anything! Why are you looking at me like that?!

Tyr: It HURTS to be so awesome.

And yes, they're even dressed similarly. I have almost no good teen male clothes.

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWLING

IIIIIIIIIIIIIN

MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

Oh Isis, I'm so proud of your transformation! I can almost hear the angsty LJ entries being typed out now!

And then there's this. :D

(p.s. I'm fully aware of the irony of giving one of the only redheaded kids black hair after wanting to get rid of the black hair for so long. But it really does suit her better.)

Elsewhere, Juno is also aging. Look excited or something.

She's actually cute! She escaped inheriting Laura's nose at least.

Predictably, teens = instant drama.

Isis: Who the fuck told you you could EXIST around me?!

Enma: Violence makes my penis hard.

The kids must undergo the typical Zyzzyva rite of passage: go somewhere and fuck around for a few hours and fail to find a mate.

I think we can all agree with this sentiment.

Tyr: I'm TELLING you, I got these scars in a bar fight! It was very manly and tough!

Enma: Did you disembowel anyone and strangle them with their own intestines?

Tyr: Wh... what? No! What the hell is wrong with you?

Enma: I touch myself while reading the obituaries.

Tyr: ........

Green glasses downtownie showed up, and what good Zyzzyva slut could pass up that opportunity?

Too bad a shirt with FUCK OFF! written on it isn't really the most obvious sign that you want in someone's pants.

Isis: So, like, HEY man, wanna stick your thing in my thing, I can put on my Autechre CD and then-

Green Glasses: Sorry, but I'd rather be with someone who doesn't look like they just got home from a My Chemical Romance concert.

Time to be naaauuuughty.

Fuck you, Green Glasses. You think you're too good for this legacy? We'll just see about that. This isn't over. And you KNOW I mean it when I say that, just look at my track record.

Peggy Hair Bartender seems to find the entire situation hilarious. He's been trying so hard to get into the pants of someone in this family, I almost feel bad for him at this point. But he doesn't really deserve my pity yet... maybe if I make his life a living hell? I'll file it away for later.

Speaking of undeserved pity...

Hm. Those 5 minutes when the kids all liked each other sure were fun. We'll always have the memories!

Enma: Did I just hear the sound of capillaries bursting under the force of a swift bitchslap? Wait, I'll go get the hot wax!!

Tyr: So did you hear about my scars?

Isis: What, that they're fake?

Tyr: Psh, whatever! You're just jealous! Jealous of my MASCULINITY!

Sweetie... no. Just no.

Enma hasn't yet learned to completely stay away from Morrigan, lest he be infected with the failure virus.

Enma: It's... it's HORRIFYING!!

As soon as everyone got home I sent Morrigan off to college, and apparently no one even cared, least of all me, because I have no pictures of it. Enma was busy sucking up all the attention anyway.

He really, really enjoys being the center of attention, and damnit he'll rap for it if he has to. I hope to god that's not a "two in the pink, one in the stink" hand gesture.

Everyone except Laura pretends like he isn't even there. What the hell? He's not even her kid. And he's not even good. And... -sigh- Nevermind. Just carry on.

The true pain comes when I realize that this isn't even the worst part. The worst part will be playing 7 kids in college at once. ):

Man, I suck at keeping fish alive in this game. But it's so much easier to blame Morrigan for it. She certainly didn't do anything to keep them alive, so it's technically NOT not her fault...

Tyr: So hey baby, how 'bout I chew on your ear, Mike Tyson style?

Yeah, that line always works on me, too.

After that kiss Melody Tinker would not go away. Stop trying to hog the spotlight! This is Astraea's birthday party, damnit!

Astraea: LIVE FOR THE SWARM!!!!

She needed the glasses, you know? She was at school one day and her best friend Trudy turned to her and said "Why are you squinting like that?" and it was because she couldn't see the blackboard and...

I'll shut up now.

I noticed a suspicious lack of pity-partying going on in the other rooms, so I went looking for Isis and found her in the bedroom, in her underwear, chatting up Tyr's girlfriend.

Talking about busts.

I like where this is going.

Playing a game or finding a secret tentacle porn stash? It's your call.

:( This hurts me. In my heart. Because Erin is going to DIE.

As if sensing her mother's imminent demise, Hera launches into labor to balance out the life-and-death flow of souls in the house. Maybe since she's wearing the lightbulb hat, the child actually has a chance of being smart.

...Ha. See, I couldn't even keep a straight face saying it.

It's a boy, with red hair and... green eyes? And the S1 skintone? Fucked up genetics again. I decided to round out the Hera/Juno/Ares thing and name him Mars. I'm just imaginative like that.

Isis decides to interrupt Erin's being on the bring of The Big Sleep by helping her brother's girlfriend cheat on him. Stealing the spotlight from two family members at once, way to go!!

Melody: Do you like wearing glasses? I like wearing glasses. They're plasticky and green and I like to wear them because they're plasticky and green.

Isis: Actually I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, but thanks anyway.

Apparently glasses are SERIOUS fucking business. Whatever, Melody. I had Isis call her right back over. WE'RE SEEING THIS SHAMELESS SELF-PIMP THROUGH TO ITS END, MELODY, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU HELP US.

How sweet. Or not, since they're both totally disregarding Tyr's feelings in favor of sweet, sweet lovin'.

Now back to your regularly scheduled death.

Erin: At last! A WAY OUT!!!

Bye, Erin! You will be missed, even though I had to force you into this family in the first place! Enjoy your eternal, ectoplasmic luau.

Wow. Way to play favorites. I love how the baby that's less than three hours old apparently got more than almost all the other grandkids. Not a surprise, given the choices.

ALGKJLDFKJLK NOOOOOOOOOOO

I HATE ASPIRATION FAILURING CHILDREN. SUCK IT UP, PANSIES, YOU WERE IN PLATINUM TWO SECONDS AGO... ARGH.

Selene: My wife's dead but bitches I don't give a fuuuu-

Selene: -uuuh.. oh. Shit.

Waiting for Selene. ;_;

Holy shit guys. Morrigan came over to steal the newspaper because she's a gigantic baby who is furious at her cousin, despite the fact that it was Morrigan who slapped Isis, not the other way around. But that's not the saddest part.

She's stealing the goddamn rotten-ass newspaper from days ago. Could you possibly fail any harder, Morrigan? Jesus Christ on a salted cracker.

Suddenly, as though Morrigan's mere presence on the lot has triggered an epidemic of SUCK, all hell breaks loose.

Tyr: You... you WHORE! YOU SKANK, YOU TROLLOP! You told me you didn't LIKE boobs!

Isis: Oh shit, my friends list is gonna LOVE this one.

I shit you not, Enma was smiling over all of this. Is there any kind of human suffering he's opposed to?

Yep, you're truly a Zyzzyva now, Tyr.

Trauma: always the best way to impress the girlfriend you stole from your brother.

Oh, like you didn't want this to happen.

Isis: Damn... another failed attempt on my own life! WILL MY SUFFERING NEVER END?!

Tyr: I'll end it for you right now if you want, bitch.

On that note, Isis is shipped off to college. Is there some sort of insanity quota that these kids are trying to meet before going off to start their formal education?

Clearly the answer is yes, because Mars decides it's his turn to start down the road of batshit craziness.

Oh dear god. I just got rid of one self-hating sim, and now I have to deal with THIS? HOW CAN A BABY BE FURIOUS AT ITSELF?

Wait, WHAT?!

Seth is in the other room... who...

Tyr: YEEEEAH! IF YOU GIVE HER A SCAR, MAKE SURE IT'S AT LEAST FIFTY PERCENT LESS COOL THAN MINE!

Oh no.

Even Selene disapproves. If that's not a huge WHAT THE FUCK, STOP IT signal than I don't know what is.

(Also note the fucking blonde eyebrows again. It does it every time I start the game now. D:)

Melody: My insides... what did you do to me!?

You'd think people would learn to stop being friends with this family by now...

Let's inspect this for a moment.

They meet...

...they fight...

...then enemies. Since Enma didn't know her before this just happened, it means he approached her specifically to beat her ass pathetically into the floor.

-100/-100, and that's WITH a little sliver of anger gone. Apparently Enma's hatred is over ~~9000~~ the allotted maximum.

If I didn't know this family so well, I'd be willing to think that he did this in defense of his brother, but... no. Just no.

FINE. SO I STILL THINK BALL TALK IS FUNNY. I'm 12, leave me alone.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the final descent into madness.

Enma: HOW DARE YOU LET YOUR GIRLFRIEND CHEAT ON YOU... I will KILL you for it.

Tyr: Not if I kill you first... hey, that was kind of fun. I guess violence IS kinda cool.

Nooo!! You've awakened the beast!

Enma: Yessss, hit me HARDER.

Enma: You have to put more force behind it, here, let me show you.

Playing favorites I see, Seth. I NEVER SAW THAT COMING.

Satan has really taken root in the genepool of this family. Well, I guess he DID need a new vessel, since Selene is getting pretty old by now.

Selene: Did somebody say something about me and my Dark Lord?

No, nothing. Continue your violent intercepting of cheating, paper-stealing girlfriends.

Wow, Laura... just wow. I'm not even scared of clowns but that's still fucking terrifying.

Astraea picks this day to mess with my head. She materializes upstairs (I assume, since that's where I found her eventually and she sure as hell didn't come in the front/back door) when Enma and Tyr get home. She was supposed to have 2 more hours of school, wut?

Great. Fucking great. Now I get to go through this horrible cycle all over again AND THERE ARE STILL TWO KIDS LEFT AFTER THIS. GOD DAMN IT ALL.

I take out my anger in the best way I know how: kicking the teens the fuck out of the house. See you in college, guys.

Enma: Maybe at least the cab will hit a pedestrian on the way...

Tyr: Fuck this, I'm gonna go pick up ~~dudes~~ chicks.

Astraea: WHEN DO I GET A FUNNY CAPTION?!!??

Shut up. Maybe when you can manage to dig yourself out of aspiration failure I will be less inclined to ignore you.

Birthday time AGAIN. No more babies for a while, WOOHOO!! You know, I need to stop saying woohoo, that's what got me into this mess in the first place.

Mars is lookin' adorably devious, in true Zyzzyva fashion.

...Oops.

Juno: -soul dies a little-

Wow, she's ridiculously cute when she makes that face. Maybe it's the hair though... that hair makes almost any sim look cute.

:o Maybe that's... her NORMAL face...

Hera: This birthday is PISSING ME OFF and it's YOUR fault!!

Seth: Um, I'm over here, stupid.

Here's Juno, finally making a normal face. Turns out she inherited her mom's mouth, which is almost as bad as the nose. It's possible she'll grow into it though, and she's still cute. The haaaair. <3

And Mars. Boy is he ever a rascal. I can tell just by looking that he's going to put me through hell. But at least the black hair is beginning to fade out... I can look on the bright side here!

Next update may or may not round out generation 3, depending on how much crap goes down while these kids are growing up. I'LL TRY TO UPDATE IN A TIMELY MANNER THIS TIME.

edit: I just realized I neglected to write down, and therefore to include, any of the kids' stats. ...Whoops. Next time.

D:

2008-06-25T06:53:40Z

JESUS H I just realized I haven't posted an update in nearly a month. What the hell, guys? Certainly you're not going to tell me that this is the result of my being completely and utterly obsessed with a certain videogame series that shall remain nameless? Because I assure you, good sirs and madams, I have no idea to what you are alluding.

What I'm trying (well, not really) to say is that I've had my shots sitting on my computer for weeks, most of them cropped and ready to go. So that means I should have an update ready very very soon. ~~Unless I get distracted by the game again.~~ SELF, BE QUIET. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

Loves,
V. Who is on just a slight amount of crack tonight. And every night. And also apologizes for the borderline spampost.

POSSIBLY MAYBE~

2008-06-06T08:48:57Z

I'm having a bitch of a time finding the videogame I want for a price less insane than $180, so I'm contemplating spending money on another Sims EP instead.

I really, really want Seasons. I can hear my computer screaming in agony already though. Hope it won't crap out on me...

How to Torture Self: Volume 2

2008-05-30T08:43:07Z

PREVIOUSLY, ON "THE ZYZZYVAS"

If you heard that in a Jeff Probst voice in your head, then kudos, you're just as insane as I am. Last time, we witnessed the births of Morrigan, Enma, Isis, and Tyr, bringing the household up to 10 sims. Oh hooray.

Before we go any farther, I discovered something as I was playing through this update. Something that pissed me off a great deal. For a long time I had been wondering why I seemingly had 6 shades of default skintones instead of 4. A few days ago it hit me that some of the custom skins were probably mixing in with my actual defaults, and sure enough, that was the case. The skins in question were HystericalParoxysm's skins, which I didn't even know I still had, and were being passed on through the family despite me never actually using them voluntarily.

So I deleted those fuckers. Leaving at least 5 of the Zyzzyvas looking a bit different, to say the least.

Cybele was the first victim, and she doesn't look that different now thankfully. Her kids also had the HP skins before.

Zora got the worst of it. You may not remember but she WAS BLACK BEFORE. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

And unfortunately both Hera and Seth were afflicted with the problem. They both look a little sickly and pale now. Fucking A. So later on in the update when you see a few people spontaneously change skintones, you'll know why.

To recap:

FUCK YOU HYSTERICALPAROXYSM AND FUCK YOUR SKINS

Now on to the actual update.

What better way to kick things off than by preparing for sexin' in front of your daughter? I know that's how I like to spend my free time.

INAPPROPRIATE.

It's a good thing I'm a patient, loving simgod and not prone to spontaneous and poorly thought out episodes of vengeance that involve me leaving the children to their own devices for hours until they're stinky and starving and crying and about to die.

Yes, it's a very good thing.

Top of the business career, awesome. Although I'm a little frightened to imagine what kind of company would put a crazed lunatic in charge.

Whoops, I forgot about Morrigan. (This will become a trend.) She manages to have a good birthday anyway, despite absolutely no one paying attention to her.

She's unique, I'll give her that.

Boy, she looks almost as RIVETED as I am about all of this.

YOU JUST LOST THE GAME.

These children are such precious fucking angels.

Screaming, crying, and dressed like furries? Please die.

Oh, Enma, you're my favorite... you're so calm and cute and...

... -sobs-

This is one of those extremely rare circumstances in this family where I can say "it's not what it looks like!"

Although it's still pretty fucking weird. Then there's the fact that he was watching his brother take a crap as this picture was taken. Let's just move on, shall we?

I think we all know the answer to that is an awesome parent.

SHE CAN EAT AT SCHOOL. SHUT THE HELL UP, TEXT BOX OF ANNOYANCE.

Tyr: Daddy! I think I'm catching pneumonia from sitting in this puddle! Please cuddle me so that I don't die!!

Ares: ...Have we met?

Wait, what? What the fuck is this? Love? In this house? I... don't know what to say.

Tyr: Sucker.

Seth: AHEM. Very important businessman here! Someone wanna get this fucking HELICOPTER out of my way?!

Clearly the only solution to having way too many kids in the house is to have MORE. I hate myself. So very, very much.

Let's take inventory for a moment.

Kids so putridly stinky that even Selene doesn't want to touch them? Check.

Starving toddler passed out from exhaustion in the middle of the floor? Check.

Unsupervised child playing in rancid water that's been there for days, surrounded by festering bottles and two toilets that haven't been cleaned in weeks? Check and double check.

Exhausted stay-at-home mom, who isn't even the mother of aforementioned children, also passed out? Check.

WELL, SHIT, YOU PICKED A GLORIOUS TIME. IT'S NOT LIKE THERE ARE FOUR CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF OR ANYTHING.

DAMN

YOU

SELENE!!!!!!

It's okay Morrigan. It's not like your parents pay attention to you, so feel free to be a spectacular failure! Aim low, sweetie!!

The triplets' birthday arrive! Oh, don't mind me. I'm just over here finalizing arrangements for the victory parade.

AGESPLOSION!!!

I needed a before picture of Isis to justify what I'm about to do to her. I am SO disappointed with the way she turned out. I would blame it on the hair being unflattering, or anything really, but... no. It's her.

Enma (whose name is going to be REALLY hard not to typo as "enema") is WTF PRETTY LIKE A GIRL. This pleases me.

Tyr was hit hard with the small mouth gene, although I still think he's absurdly cute.

And Isis. Isis, Isis, Isis. ... What can I say? Everything I tried only made her look worse. She has now been solidified in my mind as a fashion-challenged, tragically GAWTH girl who laments her own existence.

The triplets weren't the only ones with birthdays though.

Selene: Oh HELLS naw. This better not be what I think it is.

Selene: ...son of a bitch.

What better way to celebrate an age transition than by letting your gazongas hang out? You've earned it, Selene!

Oh trust me, I sympathize like you wouldn't believe.

Haha, this is a picture of Erin trying to tuck in Morrigan, only to recoil in horror as she catches wind of the stink lines coming off of her. Damn, Morrigan fails kind of hard, even for this family.

Selene: PHUUUOOOOOOOAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Ares: Hera, is that you, honey? Are you home from work?

Selene: No you idiot it's me SeBLUUUUUUAAAAARRRGGH--!!!

Ares That's great dear!! Glad to hear you had a good day!

Um, then DO IT? WHY are you complaining to me when it's your fault?! ARRRRGHH THESE CHILDREN AJGFJKLKDJGKFK

Lol. Even the bus driver is laughing at her.

Morrigan: I hate this life.

Not NEARLY as much as I do.

Dear god, this was the pile of homework she had hidden. THERE'S A FUCKING MONKEY ON IT, HOW FUCKING HARD CAN IT BE?

Oh don't you start up too. I'm about one bitchfest away from busting out the Tombstone of L & D.

Isis: But-

NO. JUST NO. WHATEVER IT IS, NO.

It does??!? WHAT!?/1/ OMG WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED??!//FJKSDJK

This box would continue to pop up every fucking five minutes until Morrigan came home from school the next day and brought up her shitty grades by one butt-ass-fucking grade letter.

Morrigan: I SUCK SO BADLY!!!!!

YES. YES YOU DO. CRY MORE, PLEASE, WATCHING YOU SUFFER FOR YOUR OWN MISTAKES IS ALL I HAVE LEFT.

Seth: -yaaawn- Hmm...? Why am I awake in the middle of the night? Something feels... wrong...

Oh my god.

Hera: LOL I WONDER IF HE'LL NOTICE I'M SO CLEVER LMAOLOLOLOL

Seth: What the FUCK are you doing in my bedroom?! The smell of SLUT woke me up from a sound sleep!

Seth: Thank goodness she's gone, she was cramping my style so badly. For a second there I nearly forgot how amazing I am!

I swear to god I didn't have a hand in this. It's all autonomous insanity.

Hours later, Laura pops again, and Seth is still thinking about how great he is.

Seth: You know what was awesome? The time I BANGED YOUR MOM. OH yeah!!! What a burn!!

Hera: Um, hello?! We have the SAME mom. That's fukken nasty!

Seth: ...

Seth: ... :(

It only took about sixty three thousand years, but Erin finally reaches her LTW of maxing all skills.

Also check out my fantastic interior (er, exterior) decorating abilities, all the career skill building shit is out on the lawn.

The showers break about, oh, every day. And for some reason it's always the people with no mechanical points that have to fix them. I blame the children. Actually, I blame the children for everything.

Everyone laugh at Morrigan! She sucks!

One glorious day, Seth and Ares decide to play a game of punch me punch you. Despite being a good dad and a nice guy in general, Ares only has like 3 or 4 nice points. This equals Seth getting the shit beat out of him.

Enma: lol, violence is cool! I'm gonna go kick a puppy!

Seth: Oh... Oh, m-my arm!! The pain... I can't... I can't move my arm!!**

Seth: Dude, WHAT THE FUCK? That's it, you and I can't play together anymore. I'm telling!

Ares: What's this... shiny thing on my finger?

Fuuuuck.

So much for being reasonably well-adjusted.

:|

Goddamnit Nic and Rhea. As if these kids didn't already have enough problems, you have to scare them into neurosis.

Oh joy, the baby is here. Let's just get this shit over with.

Seth: My sperm is quite potent!

Another girl, named Astraea. BLACK hair FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK, and light blue eyes. Huh. That's unexpected at least.

Here's a better look at Isis, post-skintone change. She's paler now, and even more fucked up looking than before. It's like her mouth is shrinking with each picture I take of her.

Enma, fed up with this aspiration failure BS, decides to go apeshit and be mean to Morrigan, who he WAS friends with before this little incident. Damn, does ANYONE actually like her?

Enma: YOU SUCK. YOU ARE BAD AT EVERYTHING AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD. NOW, CRY ABOUT IT. I DEMAND IT.

Morrigan: -obliges-

Enma: Ahhh. What a great day.

Oh for fuck's sake. I turn my back for three seconds and Isis is throwing a hissy fit. HER DARK SOUL IS SO TORMENTED, I GUESS IT'S JUST NOT COMING THROUGH ENOUGH ON THE SURFACE.

There, happy? Now go listen to Nine Inch Nails while you write blank verse poetry about the vast emptiness and eternal meaninglessness of the cosmic struggle with which only you are faced.

Isis: Do you think if I keep eating this spoiled food, I could DIE? Because that would be so pleasant. Life is just so CRUEL and HARD, it would be better to be dead, don't you think?

Seth: Yes. Yes, I do think it would be better if you were dead.

Isis: Maybe if I crawl into the dishwasher I'll die in a dark, ironic twist of fate... maybe someone will write a black metal ballad about me...

Nice try, Seth. But I know you had to have been the cause of this, don't even try to play it off.

Her face got stuck like that AGAIN. That's the only non-TMI explanation I have for this picture, and I'm sticking to it.

ISIS. GODDAMNIT. I help you fulfill your dream of becoming a tacky goth child and this is how you repay me?! I HATE THESE CHILDREN I HATE THEM SO MUCHHHHH

Heh, Morrigan got fat. I like the way she looks like that.

I fear for the safety of that child. Luckily Seth comes to her rescue.

Seth: That's what you get for laying your filthy hands on my daughter, she-bitch.

Hera: M-my ass!!

This invisipop signals the beginning of the very last pregnancy of this generation. My sanity is officially gone. Excuse me while I take a few moments to cry in the corner.

Holy crapcakes, a rare non-violent moment between Hera and Seth. Of course they bond over... talking about balls.

Hera: Wowza, I swear they were THIS BIG!!

Well that didn't last long.

Hera: -sprouts arms from her boobs in misery-

GET OVER IT. You'd think after 564756834 fights it would become a wee bit less traumatizing.

I could say that her pee is just mixing with the puddles that were already there... but it's so much more fun to imagine that all of it came out of her at once.

Laura: Congrats on having intercourse with me, honey!!

You know what? After three kids from you two alone, that's no longer something you should be allowed to congratulate each other on.

Oh geez. Now she's going to bitch about this too. The last thing we need are dozens of poems coming out of this situation about how dismal peeing your pants is.

I...

........

Nevermind. Just forget it.

She's still smiling about this. It's to torture me, isn't it? Well, it's working.

Enma: Check it out, whores! A plus!

Enma is the bright shining beacon of non-craptasticness among these kids. I just hope it lasts.

And this might be the first time I've ever had a parent cheer for their child's grades at the correct moment. Way to be a surprisingly good dad, Ares. If only I wasn't aware that this was all a result of him being glitchy.

It's Astraea's birthday. Yay or something. ~~pleasekillmeiwanttodie~~

That's... well...

I have no idea what the fuck is going on in this house anymore. At this point I'd probably be willing to listen to the suggestion that this is all just a hallucination of mine triggered by being fucking fed up with these children.

Three fucking attempts at a birthday later, Astraea ages into this.

This pisses Seth the fuck off, and I can't say I blame him. I CAN'T EVEN GET A CUTE CHILD OUT OF MY SUFFERING.

Side note: what the fuck, autonomous "Mary Mack"ing. Shit, I thought this game was called pattycake? IT'S LIKE MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE.

I suppose she's a little cute. Better than Morrigan at least, although that's... really not a compliment...

Hera attacks Seth for the nth time, no doubt getting her ass handed to her in the process.

Tyr practically wets himself over this, as if he hadn't seen it already dozens upon dozens of times. Even I'm not impressed by this anymore.

Morrigan: Lalala, I love the telescope... oh hey, what's that down the road? It almost looks like a schoolbus... OH FUCK ASPIRATION FAILURE SDFJGKDFJGBNN

That sound you hear in the distance is me slamming my head repeatedly into the wall. Just ignore it, I should pass out soon.

Just squeeze it out already bitch. I'm getting tired of waiting.

Another girl, named Juno, with red hair and green eyes. If Morrigan is any indication, that's basically a recipe for fail. OH WELL.

(Note: from here on, since Juno started a new line of sims and pushed the action queue over to the right a little, it will sometimes be visible in the pictures. At least until someone moves out/dies.)

How about NO?

Astraea: 'Do you expect me to talk?!' No, Mr. Rabbit... I expect you... to DIE!

That brings her down to a D+. Again. Oh, it is to laugh.

The failtrain has finally reached the next stop on the road of life, and it's time for Morrigan to become a teen. It's not like she can suck any more than she already has.

Nice cheeks. Perhaps I spoke too soon.

Seth: LOL MY DAUGHTER REALLY SUCKS

Fucking lol.

THANK YOU, ALMIGHTY TEXT BOX OF OBVIOUSNESS

Aside from an extremely freakish side profile that would make even the sexiest of primates quite jealous...

She's not bad from the front. I'm grasping at straws here, people. I'll take what I can get.

Morrigan Zyzzyva
Scorpio
6 neat
4 shy
9 active
4 serious
4 grouchy
turn ons: fatness/glasses
turn off: formal wear

She rolled the Pleasure aspiration, but I didn't write down her LTW. WAY TO ROLL THE WORST ASPIRATION IN THE ENTIRE GAME, MORRIGAN.

And with that final failure-laden slap in the face for me, we end this hellish experience for the time being. I patiently await the next update, which I'm sure will be fun. And by fun I mean "I'm going to shoot myself in the brain."

**If you know what this quote is from... you have my undying affection. That's FOREVER, yo. (EXCEPT YOU, TERRA, SINCE THAT'S LIKE ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT.)

forever_sims @ 2008-05-25T03:29:00

2008-05-25T08:35:58Z

So, uh, I'm back. I was back 2 days ago actually, and I'm already well on my way to another update. I'll also eventually be posting a freakin' huge Disney World recap, with a crapton of pictures, in my personal journal for those who are interested. I'll give you a heads up when it's been posted.

How to Torture Self: Volume 1

2008-05-12T22:03:11Z

I'm super pressed for time since there's a million things I need to do before leaving tomorrow, so consider this a not-so-mini mini update.

(Yes I did have a ridiculous amount of fun making that teaser image, thank you very much.)

After the successful graduation of the kids, Hera and Seth were shipped back to the legacy house to officially kick off the true beginning of gen 3.

Hera: Sup hoes?

Seth: You know I'm your favorite, admit it.

He has been restored to his former glory!

Ahh... it's good to be back.

Erin: Who the hell's this?

I guess it's easy to forget your children when they don't call you a single time over the course of 4 college years.

Moving right along, Laura moves in and spontaneously orgasms into an age transition.

CORNROWS? What madness am I about to marry into this family.

Eh, not bad for a dormie. Not like anyone needs the money anymore anyway.

The look I was going for was "va va voom." I think I only managed to get halfway there though. Still, I love this makeover so hard.

Laura: Who, lil' ol' me?

She reminds me of one of those stereotypical upper class, vapid housewives who drink champagne in the tub and force their husbands to give them footrubs. Gooood, gooood.

Seth: The sex, give it to me now.

Laura: B-but I just got here...

Seth: Do you want me to take that diamond ring back? Because I totally will.

Score.

At last Ares moves in, although he's still glitched. If I leave him alone, he won't do anything of his own free will, which is either useful or annoying depending on the circumstance.

:|

That's the face I make every time I look at you, too.

I went through hell dealing with this bastard, his genes better pay off. GIVE ME REDHEADS.

Way to follow in your mom's footsteps.

I'm starting to think that the females in this family have a granny panty fetish. I hate myself for typing that sentence.

Oh those wacky elders and their technology phobia!

Laura: I feel a bit... BWAHHHHH... ill... HOOOOOOORK... it must've been something... PUUUUUAHHHHHHH... I ate...

The poor oblivious dears have no idea what torturous hell they will be put through. Or maybe Seth knows, and that's why he looks like he's about to bludgeon a bitch.

Laura: Oh no! One too many pancakes I guess! Oh well, off to drink, smoke, and ride some rollercoasters!

Ares: Hey, what's that? It's shiny!!

Hera: Oh, er, it's just... a magical... dimensional warp device! See, you just slip this on your finger, and you'll be instantly teleported to a world in which you're bound to me for the rest of your life! Oh, and there will be cookies!

Ares: Yay, cookies!!!

Ares: Will this make the cookies appear?

Hera: Sure. Anything you say.

Hera & Ares: -have a once-in-a-lifetime moment of joy and accomplishment-

Seth: And then I was like "no way man, I'M going to xerox that copy!"

Selene: WOW!!

Laura: Oh, honey, you sure told him!

I have no idea why I took this picture. I think I'm kind of obsessed with her.

Ares: LA LA LAAAAAAALA LA LA LAAA!!

Hera: BRRUAAHGHAGHAG....

Ares: What's that, dear?

Hera: YOU BASTARD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?

Ares: Oh, I love you too honey!! LA LA LAAAAAAA...

Seth's already a CEO of a corporation, well on his way to achieving his LTW of earning 100k simoleons. Yeah, he's pretty much pimpin'.

Laura: Oh no, still packing on the pounds?! A little strenuous exercise and heavy lifting should do the trick.

Despite the rampant stupidity in the house, it's time for a fancy wedding. Because you know how fucking great I do at those. Shit. Also, Surya? You're barking up the wrong tree.

D'awww. It's so good to have everyone together again. Especially when I don't have to actually pay attention to their needs.

Such a happy occasion. *sniff*

Laura: I could not have dreamed of a more perfect day!

Seth: Let's just get this shit over with.

Seth: Do you fucking take me to be your fucking lawfully wedded fucking husband, you fat skank of a ho?

Laura: I do~

Hera: Shit's hilarious!

This is pretty much the best wedding ever.

Least convincing kiss ever, or HOLY SHIT, LEAST CONVINCING KISS EVER?

Seth: What the shit have I just been forced to do?!

Laura: Congrats on marrying me, honey!!

Seth: Fester and burn in hell, devil-woman.

Good thing this is the Zyzzyvas we're talking about or else all that burning hatred might've ruined the reception. Of course no one even noticed, and harmonious pillow fighting ensued.

Whatever bug that was up Seth's butt must have died, because everything was fine later.

Let's just skip the rest of the party, because it was laggy and messed up and I HATE MY COMPUTER GOD I WANT TO SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER BECAUSE IT CAN'T FUNCTION WITH LOTS OF SIMS ON A LOTTTTTTTTT.

Ahem.

This is a pretty accurate depiction of my feelings on the matter.

I'm not even going to ask.

Apparently the party was a huge success. How the hell does that happen the one time I don't even try to have a good party? Hate this game.

Later that same night, poppin' occurs. Not that I'm rushing this generation or anything.

Laura: H-hello? I seem to be experiencing severe abdominal pain here. Sort of like something is tearing its way through my no-no special place.

It seems that this is a Really Huge Deal, or at least big enough to warrant Ares shoving his own hand through his chest. Good times!

Hera: Pfft, whatever. Call me when it's not that bastard's demon spawn child she's having.

OH

GOD

YES

THE BLACK HAIR IS GONE THE BLACK HAIR IS GONE THE BLACK HAIR IS GONE!!!!!

It's a girl, a gloriously redheaded, green-eyed girl, and I name her Morrigan. It's also only ONE CHILD. Finally my hard work and frustration pays off!

Then Selene has to ruin it by bringing home this piece of shit when I thought he was gone forever. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PISS ON MY PARADE?!

More pops. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Oh, but what are the chances of me getting totally screwed over? That, like, NEVER happens!

Seth realized he hadn't been a gigantic bitch in at least several hours, and his anger only intensified when he discovered that he could no longer kick Hera's ass since she was pregnant.

Seth: You're a horrible failure, you suck at your job, and my wife is stupid! I mean, uh, YOUR HUSBAND is stupid! Yeah! And YOU'RE stupid!!

Seth: Oh, and your boobs are saggy. lol @ u.

Hera: D: D: D: D: D:

Lawd have mercy. Just when I thought the evil gene wasn't going to be passed down again...

SUDDENLY, RHEA. Who is crying over... her own death? Her urn? I don't know.

Awww. I miss her. Cheer up, Rhea, you had a good run.

That's better.

Oh god. If only I had known what was going to happen at the time, I would have crawled under my blanket and wept instead of continuing into the insanity. But no. Triplets and quads hack, why, that's NOTHING! I thought.

Hera: Honey, wake up! The baby's coming!!

Ares: -sigh-... FINE, if I HAVE to.

Now, witness the HORROR.

This is... uh... I THINK this is Tyr. NOTICE THAT HE HAS BLACK HAIR, GOD FUCKING DAMNIT, SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT.

This is Isis. For her entire infanthood I thought she was one of the other babies. Whoops.

And this is Enma. He also has black hair. What the fuck, guys?!

So now there are 4 kids in the house, 10 people total... why did I download this hack again? No, really. WHY?

It's Morrigan's birthday. Everyone always says they hate babies, but for me, I hate toddlers. They're way more demanding/annoying. At least when they're babies they can be ignored. D:

Post-makeover. She looks almost exactly like her mom, which is disappointing, to say the least. Hopefully she'll grow into it.

Getting the piss literally scared out of you: one of the best memories of your entire lifetime. lolwut.

My game always seems to have issues with aging, either it happens too early when I don't want it to, or I have to practically force it when I'm waiting for it. Enma didn't even make it to the cake!

Tyr just hung out for a while without aging, even though the candles were blown out. >:(

Isis is the only one who ages at the cake properly.

Isis: I'M AN ACHIEVER!!!

Frigging finally.

Isis is sort of unfortunate looking. Her eyes are too small for her head, which causes me to laugh at her at the most inappropriate times. Yes, I'm a horrible person.

WAHHH, Tyr is adorable.

I think Enma is my favorite though. Despite his fucking black hair of doom that is hell-bent on ruining my life. I'm surprised by how much the three of them look like Ares... I don't see much of Hera in their faces. But no matter! We'll see how it all turns out next time.

I hope you all enjoyed that (admittedly rushed) update. I'll be back from Disney World in a little over a week, hopefully with yet another update!

Zyzzyva Legacy generation 3.0

2008-05-08T13:48:16Z

COLLEGE. What a glorious time in a person's life. Actually, college fucking sucks, especially when you're forced to play it plagued with tons of glitches. But no matter! Let's forge ahead.

We begin with a date, and I'm sure if Hera could actually talk, she would be saying to her man "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU GLITCHY FREAK?!" Because he is.

Anyway, after a little boolproping (boolpropping? Shit, I don't know.) Hera could actually fully interact with Ares, and they hit the karaoke machine.

The brain-damaging side effects of the testingcheats are, perhaps, better left unspoken of.

Awww. How sweet. You can imagine my horror when I heard a horrible sound nearby... the sound of A CHEATING WHORE.

Whoever could it be?!

Haha, oh wow.

I really don't know how I missed out on this steamy lesbian dormie love triangle until now, but I feel a bit cheated.

Damn. That's just cold.

I'm also 99% sure this was somehow Selene's fault, SOMEONE had to set their gender preferences. Her legacy of life-ruining destruction lives on!

Thank god all that slapping and yelling didn't ruin the mood.

Ares: I just DID IT. And I think I'm doing it again right now!

Guys, you know what... I really, really don't want to know.

This was the point where I was fucking pissed at the lot they were on, so I moved everyone into a smaller dorm to see if it would fix a few problems.

Surya celebrates this change of scenery by... getting on his knees and putting his face near his sister's crotch? Jesus, not five minutes on the new lot and someone is already creeping me out.

Hera: I don't even know what you're doing, but I'm pretty sure you're doing it WRONG.

I am so not a fan of this facial template, but I saw this girl and wanted her in my legacy for some reason. Plus that blonde woman I was going to set Seth up with turned out to be an uncooperative A-hole.

Her name is Laura, and she's really not bad looking. Not to mention RED HAIR!! I'm getting my fucking redheads, goddamnit. I don't care how many generations it takes me.

The first encounter...

Seth: Hey, you know what I like? Pretending like I'm in prison, then shivving someone in the neck.

Laura: No way, that's MY favorite passtime too!!

Laura: Oh, me? I hate a lot of people. I frequently find myself wishing there were some sort of bovine, plantlike killing machine that could devour people I don't like and let me feed on their death juices. Wouldn't that be great?

Seth: ... -plus-

What would a trip around the campus be without baseless hatred?

Hera: I've never met you before, but just looking at you makes me want to die. Get the fuck out of my sight.

The poor thing never even had a chance...

Surya: I don't like you either. Just go.

Zora: Don't even try. I'm holding a three-foot instrument of death with your name on it.

Zora: What the fuck did I just say?

Sweet calculating christ. Now I can see why this has been happening to her the whole night.

You know you're a miserable failure when even Surya hates you.

In case you were wondering if this was still going on...

It is.

Zarja: OHHHHH YOU JUST GOT SERVED

I'm not going to say it, I'm not going to say it...!

Holy crap, game. Is this really the best you can do? REALLY? I appreciate the red hair, but for fuck's sake, can we get someone with recognizeable human features in this university?

Whatever, Selene. You didn't even pay this much attention to him when he was LIVING there.

Zarja has reached a new low: she is so boring that even she has stopped paying attention to herself and her needs. Fail.

I realized I haven't shown you guys a picture of Surya without his glasses for a long time, so here he is. He's not that bad from the front, but...

Yeesh! He got just about the worst combination of facial features he could've possibly gotten from his moms. It's a damn shame though.

Because he looks downright hot from certain angles. If only his life could be lived in a three-fourths profile!

What the hell is all this about?

Oh, I see.

Zarja: That's funny... I thought I heard something.

This picture PERFECTLY sums up each of the kids. Hera and Seth are fighting, Surya is being an idiot, Zarja is being disgustingly normal by comparison, and Zora is... um... where is Zora...?

Yyyeah. Sorry I asked.

Zora: WHOOOOAA CLEAR THE DANCE FLOOR Y'ALL

Dear clothing meshers: this is why you should not fuck up the waist size of sims. Please STOP DOING IT.

Apparently Laura is a member of the secret society. Awesome. Seth, of course, is all over that shit, since it means there's a chance she's loaded with expensive crap.

And Laura, like many sims, is fucking desperate and also insane. Poor bastard. She has no idea what she's getting herself into.

Seth: So baby, being a member of a secret society must be pretty... lucrative, eh?

Laura: To be honest, none of the stuff is really mine. I'm just a normal student, really.

Seth: ... -loses boner-

Oh well. Too late to back out now. Plus I'm WAY too lazy to go looking for someone better.

Mmhm. She's going to fit in just fine.

Surya: I'm so glad to be away from my parents. No one telling me what to do, no one ruining my fun. Growing up is so awesome!!

Hun, I don't think she likes you.

At least this is an equal-opportunity-hatred household. That's got to count for something... I guess.

Zora seems to have finally figured out how to channel her inner slut, and just in time, since there is finally someone worth hitting on in the vicinity.

He's kind of a pansy. I HIGHLY approve.

Zarja: Won't someone love me? Just a little? Anything will do.

Suck less, and maybe someone will.

Zora: God, get your FILTHY hands off of me. You don't touch me unless I tell you to! Now go order me a drink!

I am so proud of her.

Yeah, she could do a lot worse. He really needs to lose that outfit though.

First kiss!

And the first public molestation. Precious moments, people. Precious moments.

Random townie: Hooooot.

This is either going to be really scary, or really awesome.

Laura: That was so amazing... I've never felt this way before about anyone. I love you~

Seth: thisfuckingbitchwhoreslutmotherfuckersonofacockkkkk

Seth: shitpissfuckfuckfuckfuckingfuckgoddamnit

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. SDKAFJKDLGKF.

Laura: Ohh, he's so wonderful~

Seth: Time to fluff the pillows! -smilesmile-

I have no words. NONE.

w-wuuut... she didn't miss her exam!

Look! SHE WENT!

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

There's only one thing that could possibly make up for such BS.

A FUCKING AWESOME TELEVISION, SHIT YEAH!

FINALLY, AT LONG LAST, the game has spawned someone using my default facial replacement templates. BUT OF COURSE HE HAS MOTHER. FUCKING. BLACK. HAIR.

At this point Surya was the only one without a spouse-in-training, so he hit the town. Or, the campus. Whatever. I've been eyeing this bartender for a while now. Too bad she's quite a large bitch.

Hours later, a cheerleader of all people takes an interest in him. Who would've guessed.

Talking about balls = the one surefire way to get into this family.

Surya: Hey, would you mind if I--wh... wha... where are you going?...

Surya: Oh, okay then... I-I'll call you!

Holy bejeezus, they actually have 2 bolts of chemistry and she REALLY likes him... or likes his makeup, which I wasn't even aware he had on?

Random dormie: I disapprove of this shameless display of affection.

Go AWAY.

More cheating was required to propose to Ares. This man better be freakin' worth all of this crap. I expect an abundance of beautiful children WITH RECESSIVE GENES after this.

Again he glitched and got stuck on the lot for hours without moving. This fucking dormie relentlessly tormented him. Poor Ares. Life's a bitch when you're a Bluewater employee sim that can't interact with anything.

Amazingly, this was NOT Hera and Seth.

YES. I was waiting to see this dormie taken down a peg for a LONG time. This chick is awesome!

Unfortunately, she didn't last much longer.

The asshole actually came out and clapped over her death.

It's okay, though. He got his in the end.

Victor: Don't you think we should... y'know... use precautions?

Zora: Just shut up and get under the covers!

She left for class immediately after deflowering him. I love this relationship!

Sigh... how did these kids get into college exactly?

Surya may suck at difficult tasks like picking up a notebook, but he excels at wooing his lady.

But oh! What's this?!

AMUN!!! In a surprise cameo, playing the part of the Obligatory Gay Uncle. Poor Surya... nothing is quite as embarrassing as having your pregnant uncle introduce himself to your date.

...Except if he introduces himself and launches IMMEDIATELY into a conversation about shoes.

Amun: Oh, honey, that cheerleader outfit is simply adorable! My husband has one just like it in pink!

Congratulations, Amun. I honestly did not think you could possibly get any gayer or more stereotypical. I concede defeat!

Back at the dorm, Zarja The Late Bloomer finally gets her first kiss. This guy resisted her for SO FREAKING LONG, I don't know what his problem was.

That's more like it.

Surya: EW, this guy is totally disgusting, he just farted right next to me!

No, dear, that was YOU.

God this family need to get some people skills.

(From here on, the rest of my pictures have text in the upper right corner. Apparently I pressed a button or something that made it appear, and I had NO idea how to turn it off or what it even was. Bleh.)

What have we here?

BAM!

BAM!

BAM!

BA... huh?

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Are you FUCKING kidding me? I spent so many goddamn days making Zarja seduce this guy, they were best friends, in love, everything was fine and HE STILL REJECTS HER?!?I call self-hating closet case.

Zarja: May I hurt him?

Oh yes, dear. Please do.

VENGEAAAAAAAAAANCE!!!!!!

Zarja: I filled it with FECES, asshole!

Spencer: lolwut

Do you know what that piece of shit did? He ventrilofarted her. THE WOMAN HE JUST REJECTED. He's just asking for it now.

Zarja: I hope your brains get scrambled, SLUT.

THIS ISN'T OVER. TRUST ME ON THAT.

Serving as a nice bookend to the update, this shot should give you an idea of what I spent almost all of my free moments doing during this period of time. I wasn't fucking around when I said I wanted decent-looking dormies to spawn. It WILL happen eventually, damnit.

Halle-freaking-lujah, graduation time is upon us! No more horrible glitchy laggy university for another generation!!

Drumroll please...

Zarja is still extremely cute and pretty, but she is PAINFULLY, AGONIZINGLY boring. There cannot be a personality-less Zyzzyva heir.

Zora, while also very pretty and managing to grow a decently amusing personality, is really just a less interesting looking version of Hera. Of the two, she would not be my first choice.

I think it goes without saying that Surya's face would be a gamble at best and a disaster at worst. Which leaves us with...

DOUBLE HEIRS!!!

Hera is pretty and retained the slanty eye I love so much, and she is by far one of the two most interesting of the kids. She represents a good blend of her parents in both appearance and personality.

And my dear Seth, whose cheekbones still worry me, but could actually produce some interesting looking kids if given the chance. Plus he's the only one with a visible recessive gene, and his personality is awesome. AND I CAN'T BEAR TO BREAK UP THE TWO WHO HATE EACH OTHER MOST!

Join us next time for what I'm sure will be an insanity-laden dramafest. I can almost smell the crackpipes lighting up now.

I'll do my very best to get another update out before I leave for Disney World on Tuesday! (WHICH I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED ABOUT, HOLY BALLS!!!!)

ARGH.

2008-05-05T12:58:33Z

My apologies again for being behind schedule. Every time I play now there are several glitches I either have to endure or figure out how to fix. It's not enough to be game-breaking, but just enough to be extremely frustrating. I moved everyone off the Uni lot I had been playing on, which seemed to fix some problems initially, but then other problems popped up in their places. Nevertheless, I'm about 75% of the way there to the next update. It's just a matter of how quickly my laggy, fucked up game can crank out that last 25% that's the problem...

OH HO HO~

2008-04-16T13:35:34Z

HOLY CRAPOOP, AN UPDATE. Yes, I am a slow bastard. No, this update probably won't be worth the wait. In fact, it's a short update, because although I played for quite a while, very little actually happened. To make up for this I'm going to play a lot over the next few days and put out more updates, ones that are hopefully actually amusing! Hooray, or something.

Last time, the children were introduced to the fantastic world of anger management issues, some townies were killed, and a few potential spouses were spotted. Oh, and there was a fire. That was sort of neat.

This time we begin with a much more serene moment... Surya, ever the loving brother, takes a moment to tuck in his sister. At least, I really really hope that's what he's doing.

But the moment is short-lived. I guess it's just more fun to be an irrational bastard filled with hatred for your entire family.

Hera: What's that? A cake-offering deathtrap directly behind me? Good sir, I assure you I have no idea what you're talking about.

I really was worried about Ares maybe going for the cowplant, so I did move it after a while... only to discover I had nothing to worry about:

Because no matter WHAT I DID, he would not do anything except stand there. Everyone could talk to him, but no one could say goodbye. I was on the verge of deleting him when he was just like "LOL BYE" after several hours. Thanks again, random glitches, for ruining my plans. Normally I'd blame Selene for this, but I don't even think she was home at the time...

This is one of those Norman Rockwell moments that almost brings a tear to your eye.

Uhh... or not.

Selene: Gee, my nether regions suddenly feel very warm and moist... and not in a good sex way...

Selene: OH GOD. THE HUMILIATION.

Zarja: -ignores as hard as she possibly can-

This was cute for about five seconds. Until he started doing this ALL THE TIME.

Surya: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Rhea: This remote is going to end up somewhere you really don't want it if you don't fucking stop that.

Later that night, almost as if sensing the cruel hand of fate reaching down from the heavens to deliver a hearty bitchslap, everyone starts being really nice to Nic.

Yes... it's that time, folks...

Nic died. He actually aged during the day like he was supposed to, but the reaper never came. The asshole waited until everyone woke up the next morning before coming to claim his decrepit soul. THANKS FOR GETTING MY HOPES UP, GRIM.

Nic: Finally I can get away from these crazies.

I know. I'm going to hell. What of it?

:( This was actually really sad for me. I've never had a sim die of old age. But he had a good life. If you don't count living in poverty for a long time, being overworked, being constantly tormented by evil children and a crazy wife, and generally being unappreciated.

Rhea: BUT WHO WILL HAVE SEX WITH ME NOW!?

Nic: Oh, Grimmy, that pink lei is simply FABULOUS.

Grim: You already need to shut the fuck up.

It's okay, Nic. You can go. No, really. You can. How freaking long does it take to die for godsake?

Nic: Holy shit, there's liquor? This is a pretty sweet deal.

DAMN. That's WAY more than I'm worth in real life. My e-penis suddenly feels very small and insignificant.

Goodbye, Nic! You shall be missed! Especially in the early morning when there's no one available to clean the house.

Oh, Rhea, you must be suffering so much. It's okay, life goes on, you'll get over it eventually. :(

Phew, that was fast.

What tacky legacy house would be complete without a tacky mausoleum in the backyard?

;_; Goodnight, sweet prince.

Okay, seriously, stop it, you're making me sad. WHY AM I SO ATTACHED TO PIXEL PEOPLE.

Shortly after Nic's death, a plague or something seems to befall the household.

This was the first round of illness. Another one followed a few days later, but I don't think I got a shot of it.

Surya: THIS PAINTING MAKES ME SO IRRATIONALLY ANGRY, I WISH TO STAB IT DEAD -ruinruinruin-

Seth: Geez. Even I'm not that much of a bastard.

That was Rhea's painting, by the way. Her last one, EVER. THANKS, SURYA.

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I didn't take any shots of her actually dying because I was too busy freaking out about how SHE HAD ONE DAY LEFT ON HER LIFE BAR WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK... but anyway... here's the last few shots of crazyface ever:

Rhea: zuh...

Rhea: Zuh?!

Rhea: ZUUUHHHoh hey, a bird!

Farewell, Rhea. You were one of my favorite sims ever. Every time I see someone flash their naughty bits at someone they met only recently, I'll think of you! Disturbingly, that happens more often than I care to share.

The really sad thing was, I don't think Seth inherited anything from either of his grandparents. Perhaps there are consequences for being an unforgiving asshole after all?

Nah.

A moment of silence. Feel free to also make a crazyface.

Now that the whole death thing is out of the way, the three oldest kids are sent off to college. I'm gonna miss having everyone around.

Selene came home from work that night to find her mother dead, and her three oldest children gone off to college. Whoops. Sorry about that, Selene.

Now she has the house all to herself for much of the time. She looks really heartbroken over it.

Selene: At last... free time to scheme.

This can't possibly be leading towards anything good.

wut? It's not my fault she usually gets home when both her parents are at work. This game really hates me.

SUDDENLY.

Erin: What... what is this shit?

Congratulations, Erin, I totally forgot about you and your birthday.

Sweet succulent hell.

There's not aging well, and then there's this. HER MOUTH SHRUNK LIKE 200%. And the cheeks... oh GOD.

Yeah. I would be disgusted with myself, too.

She doesn't look so bad from this angle. I just can't figure out why her lower face seemed to age, but the top half looks exactly the same...

Oh, and then there's THIS little nugget of joy...

It's like the rest of her head started to devour her chin for sustenance. I can think of no other explanation.

You could go rock climbing on those cheekbones! Where did all the pretty go? D: I hope I haven't made a terrible mistake in marrying these genes into the family.

I lol'd heartily when ghost-Nic appeared and made this face at Erin's portrait. Even he's confused over this horrible elder transition.

Um, HELLO uninvited stranger. So good of you to barge into the house in the middle of the night.

WHAT? I didn't even know there WAS a child in the house! This game, I swear to god...

This has to be one of 5 normal-looking townies left in the entire neighborhood. AND SHE'S A CHILD. -cries-

Selene. You STILL never had one of those.

Finally the slow-ass twins are ready to become teens. They haven't gotten much screen time, but they're both rather boring and ordinary.

ADORABLE. Zarja is one of the cutest sims I've ever had.

Zora is pretty. I was going to consider her for heir, but I'm not so sure anymore. Her face is rather uninteresting and she's got nothing in the personality department.

They both roll the Family aspirations. Yaaawn. What and/or who do I have to do to get a Romance sim in this legacy?

She looks eerily like someone I know in real life...

Meh. Sure she's attractive, but GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH, HERE. It's Cybele all over again.

p.s. whoever meshed the above outfits needs to stop infesting my game with anorexia-waist.

You know the drill by now. The girls hit the town, heading over to Crypt'O Night club looking to scam some guys out of their precious ~~virginity~~ time.

Zarja: Have you heard about me? Yeah, I'm pretty fucking hardcore.

Zarja: Both my grandparents died like a day ago and I didn't even CRY. Isn't that awesome?

Townie: Damn this bitch IS kinda hardcore.

I will never get tired of this face. EVER.

Zora: check this shit out mofo

I know I complained about this guy in a previous update... but I spent DAYS looking for men, and there are literally none worth marrying into the family. Game, PLEASE cooperate with me, for ONCE. I don't like having to settle for bartenders with Peggy hair.

Oh dear. Is that some fledgling crazyface I see there?

Nope. Just regular ol' homicidal insanity.

These two are boring as hell, so off to college they go. At last generation 3 can officially begin, because damn was I ever getting tired of gen 2.

Now to survey the damage...

Hera turned out nicely, but she lost all of her facial weirdness that I loved.

You have to look hard from this angle, but Seth's cheekbones are INSANE. Thanks for those genes, Erin. His chin is also starting to worry me, there's something vaguely Benjamin Long-ish about it...

Surya... is Surya. He has the strangest nose I've ever seen. I don't know who the hell he inherited it from. Now that I look at him, he has weird cheekbones too. Maybe Selene is really to blame. ...Damnit.

Zarja looks pretty similar, just older.

Aaand Zora grew a fivehead. Jesus, I haven't seen a forehead like that since Taiki from Sailormoon.

Before makeovers can even occur, Erin stops by and drops off a date flower from DECADES AGO.

Erin: -wistful sigh!- I just had such a great time~

Oh, shut up, crag-face.

Makeover results:

I'd be pissed off too if my cheeks were so bony that they poked through my hair.

He's still nice looking though, just in a less obvious way. As long as his jaw doesn't get ANY bigger... Also check out the MANRY EYEBROWS.

I can really see the family resemblance from that angle. This pleases me.

Honestly I don't think there's any way to make Zarja look less cute/pretty/what have you. Sadly, that's also why she can't be heir.

Zora, now with 50% less cranium!

And last but not least, Surya, who continues to amuse me for being a complete dork no matter what he looks like or what he's doing.

Well, what do you think, guys? I still haven't COMPLETELY decided on who will be heir (or heirs, COUGH, COUGH...) so I'm open to a bit of persuasion.

Blame Japan.

2008-04-10T11:49:24Z

HELLO AGAIN. Yes, I'm alive, but terribly distracted. Where have I been? Well, I'll give you two words (or one word and a Roman numeral): Suikoden IV. And, uh, like 4 other RPGs. I just can't help myself when it comes to games... But anyway, I have about half of an update played/shot so far. And it will get done soon! I mean it this time!

A rickroll-free post, I promise.

2008-04-01T22:00:05Z

Well, depression has been eating me alive for the past two weeks, but I'm finally feeling up to simming again. Last night I was attempting to make a sim for a possible story-based legacy and discovered that there is a brown hair in the bin that's crashing my game. So, as soon as I figure out what file is causing the problem and smite it to hell, I can finally play the Zyzzyvas and make an update. Now to go sift through eight billion hair files...

EDIT 5 HOURS LATER: I found the culprit. It was a hair I got from PMBD, which was apparently an incomplete hair set. I never, ever, ever want to be subjected to the 50/50 method again.

Zyzzyva Legacy gen 2.3

2008-03-19T11:32:15Z

Today's entry is brought to you by the letter R. For RAAAAAAGE.

First of all, I forgot to share the rest of Hera's stats last time. She rolled the Knowledge aspiration with a LTW to become Chief of Staff. Turn ons: fitness/vampirism, turn off: make-up. Now that that's out of the way...

Since we last poked our heads into the wonderfully fucked up world of the Zyzzyva house, everyone in the family seems to have reached the same conclusion: Surya sucks.

I'm not sure why, but everyone hates him. For a while Selene was the only one paying attention to him, but even that has stopped now. This is a picture of him trying to show off for his mom, only to be met with cold rejection.

Crestfallen, he turns to the only source of comfort he can find: sweet, sweet drugs. I can almost hear "Cat's in the Cradle" playing now...

Just to drive the point home, here's Seth showing off to his mother, mere moments later.

Selene: HOLY SHIT

Selene: My son is awesome!!

It's okay, Surya. I still love you.

Surya: Then can I get some attention here? Please? No one's spoken to me in three days!

Hera: YEAH NICE TRY YOU PANSY ASS BASTARD. GET THE FUCK OUT.

Speaking of ignoring children, I totally forgot about the twins' birthday.

Oh well... I was tired of the cakes anyway.

Here's Zarja, looking pretty bitchy. Four years old and she's already fed up with this shit.

Zora's suffering from raccoon eye. I usually don't mind it, but it really doesn't suit her.

LTW: Become Celebrity Chef

LTW: Become Celebrity Chef

LTW: Become Celebrity Chef

WHAT THE FUCK, SELENE.

My usual routine when there's a fire is to send everyone out to the corner of the lot to get them the fuck away from it. But these people WOULD NOT LISTEN. They'd rather stand there shitting bricks.

Seth: Hey everyone what's goinOH JESUS CHRIST NO

Don't look at ME. Look at your evil freak of a mother who feels the need to call forth the fires of hell in your kitchen.

I shit you not, Selene just stopped in the middle of the kitchen to primp during all of this. The house is ablaze with four of her children inside, and this is what she does.

Evil. Evil fucking woman.

And where is the rest of the family while this is going on?

DEVOURING SOULS, of course.

They are really two peas in a pod. Bitchy, yet cheerful, and always completely oblivious to everything.

Everyone: ...

Oh, I don't want to hear a fucking word about it. You'll eat that blackened spaghetti and LIKE IT after the hell I was just put through.

Seth: I'm gonna twist the nipples of every motherfucker here if I don't get out of aspiration failure soon.

Seth: *RAGES*!!!!!!!

Selene: So how was the spaghetti, guys?

Zarja: I DUNNO WHERE THIS FUKKEN SHIT GOES

This family produces more irritatingly shrewish children than I would've ever thought possible.

For the love of god, neighborhood, PLEASE start producing normal looking townies. I installed the default face replacements, kill off existing townies, what more do you want from me?!

Remember this man? He tried to rob everyone about a thousand years ago. Little did he know that Rhea inviting him over was code for muuuurder.

Cowplant: You my bitch now, sucka.

For some inexplicable reason this sends Rhea into a crying fit.

GOSH, I KNOW. YOU TWO WERE SO CLOSE. YOU HAD SO MANY GOOD TIMES, LIKE WHEN HE TRIED TO STEAL EVERYTHING YOU OWNED AND THEN GOT BEATEN UP BY A COP IN YOUR LIVINGROOM.

Lawd have mercy.

Seth... no. Just no. At some point I need to have a straight guy in this neighborhood.

Erin: You mean I have to blow into his mouth? But that's icky!

Erin Zyzzyva: great doctor or GREATEST doctor?

Feel free to laugh at my windowless curtains in the background, by the way. I'm really not sure what the hell is up with that.

Hera: Grandma, it's so hard to meet new people. How will I ever make a good first impression?

Rhea: It's important to always make the strangest faces you possibly can upon meeting someone. It's always worked for me!

Seriously, these two are BESTEST BUDDIES. At least I can rest knowing that Rhea's particular brand of crazy will be carried on down the family line. If it wasn't obvious from the picture, it's the boys' birthday!

Surya: I hope you grow up ugly so mom will love me more.

Seth: I hope you stay exactly the same, fugface.

Those clothes... yeesh!

Surya decides he wants to be GANGSTA. Or at least as gangsta as an upper-middle class white boy can be, i.e. not at all.

Surya: THUG LYFE!!!

And Seth is...

Seth: I hope you all die slow, painful deaths, scumsucking wankers.

An asshole.

But as in the real world, he can get away with it, because he's pretty.

He also hates everything that doesn't go his way. Also like pretty people in the real world. :D

Seth rolls the Fortune aspiration and a shitty LTW that I plan to change later. Turns ons: fatness/underwear, turn off: cologne. WELL THAT'S JUST FANTASTIC. Surya rolls the Family aspiration and I forgot to write down his LTW. Turn ons: fitness/custom hair, turn off: cologne. Geez, what's with all the cologne hate?

With three teens in the house, it's time once again to go scouting for fair maidens suited to being the boys' future sperm receptacles. Hey, I never said I was classy.

I quickly learn that these kids really don't like each other much. Poor Surya, being the unassertive wimp he is, is the victim of the first public shaming.

Surya: Stop it! I hate noogies!!

Seth: Noogie? I'm trying to choke you to death.

But even unassertive wimps aren't averse to taking out their inner bitchiness on others when the opportunity arises.

Surya: HAW HAW HAW HAWWWW

Seth: You dance like an epileptic on speed!

Hera: psh dont b jellus

Seth tries his hand at becoming the token family slut of this generation.

Seth: You got some nice lookin tetas there, mamacita.

Tiffany: -has an aspiration orgasm-

Well played, Seth. Well played.

Oh Hera, you're so awesome.

Hera: WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME HOT TUNES?!!?!?!

The best part about this was that there was no music playing the entire time. I know it was just a glitch, but it was so... appropriate.

Uh oh... this can't possibly end well.

Surya: Lol, you're a girl. Girls have BOOBIES.

Maria: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little...

Maybe this will teach him not to attempt his brother's flirting techniques. Sorry, babe, but you're just not smooth enough.

Crumplebottom: Don't think I didn't see your filthy whoring ways, either. I'll get you when you least expect it.

Seth: I'd like to put a bullet through your brain, old woman.

Even as he attempts to escape to the safety of the taxi, Surya is ambushed and abused by his sister. Where is all this aggression coming from, guys?!

The game continues to try to sway me by playing to my bias towards same-sex relationships. But goddamnit I'm DETERMINED to have these boys be straight. I can do it! REALLY!

He looks disappointed. Sorry, dude. Maybe I'll get you a booty call with someone a few generations from now.

Hera: I think I felt my spine break... p-please, Seth, help me...

Seth: Will someone get this useless festering lump of skin out of my way? I'm trying to walk here!

I honestly can't remember what this altercation was about, but it doesn't really matter.

All that matters is that it made something snap in Hera's fragile little insane head. And the consequences were large. Very, very large.

Thus began RAGEFEST '08.

Seth: Oh HELL no. You don't EVER touch me, bitch. 'Cause I'll touch you back and believe me, you don't WANT to know where these hands have been.

Hera: Yeah, well, FUCK YOUR MOTHER. Wait, shit...

Seth: No, fuck YOU.

Surya: Hey guys, I was wondering where you went off to...

Seth: FUCK OFF LITTLE BRO I'M ABOUT TO CUT A BITCH

Surya: Oh. Okay then. ...Can I watch?

Seth: Sorry I snapped at you like that, Surya. -smooch-

Goddamn. I've seen some underhanded tactics in my time, but this takes the cake. Using your little brother as a pawn in a horrible game of intersibling hate...

Awesome.

Surya: Uh oh... um... if one of you dies, can I have your room?

Oh my GOD. As if there were any doubt before, this definitely proves who inherited the demonspawn gene.

Damn. Now THAT'S a serious ass whooping.

Seth: -goes back to being pretty-

Hera: HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE

Hera: BAWWWWWWW

To be fair, she's the one who started the whole thing. I can't feel very sorry for her.

Haha, oh wow.

The shopping district sure has some interesting looking townies. This is definitely a contender for the top 5 ugliest I've seen, at least.

Surya: Hey sis, how 'bout a hug, because I'm a caring person and I love you and all?

Hera: How about NO, flat-nose?

Seth: THIS BITCH GONNA DIIIIEEE

Seth: How DARE you not hug him!!!

I couldn't take it anymore, so I sent everyone home. Of course, that didn't solve the problem, but at least there was a greater chance of them being too distracted to attack each other.

Seth: Hi again, bitch from hell.

Even Selene is ashamed of them.

Sigh...

Damn, Hera. You better beef up before you don't have an ass left to be kicked.

That's more like it. This should even the score a bit.

Little did I know that the RAGE would spread to everyone else in the house.

Zora: D:!!!

Zarja: Bwahaha. Cry more, loser.

Even the maid is afflicted, being inexplicably angry at Zora. She's only a toddler for godsakes! WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

No, apparently no one will...

The RAGE doesn't seem to affect Selene, except to make her even more creepy than she already was. She was just lying there on the couch like this, waiting for me to find her. Good lord.

Rhea: THIS CHILD IS MY BEST FRIEND, GODDAMNIT I HATE HER SO MUCH

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THIS FAMILY?

Maybe a birthday party will cheer everyone up. I hope.

Hera throws a wrench in that plan though...

Her face got stuck like this. Fortunately the party does not hinge on her happiness, so no one really gave a damn.

This might just be the greatest screencap I've ever taken.

Woohoo, she grew out of that squinty-eyed phase. She's pretty cute, but ordinary looking.

Zora is pretty and boyish. The damn raccoon eyes spoil it though.

If you've been wondering where Nic ran off to, he's here, but this is all he ever does anymore. This high-falutin' lifestyle is just too tiring for him I guess. He WILL get his nap out, damnit, even if it means missing his grandchildrens' birthdays.

Still cute, still blah.

Urgh. You don't have to say it, I already know. I had to put this ugly orange eyeshadow on her just to get rid of the damn raccoon eyes for a while. When she becomes a teen I'll try to fix it all... the whole package is pretty much a disaster at this point... a shame, because she's got an interesting face.

Zarja Zyzzyva
Scorpio
9 neat
8 outgoing
9 active
3 serious
6 nice

Zora Zyzzyva
Capricorn
9 neat
3 shy
6 active
10 playful
7 nice

Bloody hell, AGAIN? I shat myself when I realized I never put an alarm on the back door, which is where she entered the house from.

I must have really good luck with burglars or something, because she never stole anything before getting caught, just like last time. She also wasn't bad looking, but FUCK. BLACK HAIR, AGAIN.

Fighting has become so commonplace in this house that no one even bats an eye over this.

(The windowless curtains are still there... damnit...)

Only Rhea would think that making a romantic face that resembles a person afflicted with mumps is an acceptable response to flirtation.

Just when you thought the rage was over... it returns with a vengeance.

As usual, in the middle of the night I find Rhea outside, hovering over this lady in the hot tub, looking wicked pissed.

I'm starting to think someone slipped something in the water supply. Sure everyone was sort of bitchy before, but this is unusual even by Zyzzyva standards.

The only thing that can stop it now is TWU WUV!!!

Rhea: ~I WANNA FUCK YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL... YOU GET ME CLOSER TO GOD~

Nic: Find a happy place, find a happy place...

Jesus Christ, Hera, what is it NOW?

Hera: How dare you not pay attention to ME for three seconds!!

Jealous much?

Even disproportionately enthusiastic dancing to classical piano music has become SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS, requiring a large amount of pissing and moaning.

Seth: Hmm... now what was I going to say?... hm... oh yeah. You suck, and I want you to die.

Surya: -CONTINUES TO RAGE-

These children have severe problems.

The three of them hit the town again, because I still hadn't found anyone worth breeding with at this point.

Hera: It's been a good six minutes since I've yelled at you, so get bent you rotten little shit!

Seth: "Get bent"? Who even SAYS that?

Seth: You'se a dirty ho, ho. Don't even look at me ever again.

Note Marisa standing in the back there, looking downright horrified that the grandchildren of super fantastic beacon of morality, Rhea, would be acting this way. Whatever, Marisa.

This happens pretty much every time. The two of them fight, then one of them kisses Surya's ass just to piss the other off even more. Oh how I love them.

Just like back in the good ol' days of Selene and Amun, I try to use the photobooth to create a bonding experience. Hera had other plans.

Hera: If you think I'm letting your bitch ass in here, you're sorely mistaken.

Seth: wut

Seth: MOTHER. FUCKING. HELL.

Seeing this was one of the happiest moments of my sim-life. I didn't even know that was possible.

OH SHI- All that working out paid off. It couldn't have come at a worse time though, because I looked around and who do I find watching Seth getting severely owned?

Delicious fresh meat. Delicious BLONDE fresh meat. Quick, Seth! Make your move!

-facepalm-

Not exactly the most convincing display of heterosexuality, Seth.

Was this really that much of a surprise?

Surya has found his own potential partner, but all he can do is stare like an idiot.

Surya: guh... guh. girl?

DAMN YOU MARISA!!!!

You're not turning her over to the lesbian side of the Force. Not if I can help it.

Oh GOD yes, I must have this woman in my legacy. Mark my words, I WILL HAVE YOU!

I leave you with a rare picture of a suspiciously calm moment between the siblings. Does this signal the end of the rage epidemic? Will the boys be able to bag their respective ladies? WILL I BE ABLE TO MAKE READABLE DROP SHADOWS ON THE PREVIEW PICTURE TEXT NEXT TIME? Only time will tell.

(Although the answer to that last one is probably "no.")

Zyzzyva Legacy gen 2.2

2008-03-05T06:51:58Z

The legacy house is fucking chaotic at the moment. By the end of this update, you'll see why. These sims are driving me crazy (an admittedly short drive, but still). I still love them all though. TO DEATH.

In case you've forgotten (I know I did, I had to go look it up) we left off with Selene being a big ol' whore with Meadow. BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW, BECAUSE LOOK:

Could this be any more in character?

Why the hell can I picture him being cast as Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar? It would certainly suit his overinflated ego.

Brahma: Wait a minute... exactly whose milk AM I drinking?

Rhea is currently an astronaut, one step away from achieving her LTW. She looks so at home in that space suit. I can't think of a single other sim who could pull it off the way she can.

Erin pops all alone in the kitchen... but HARK, what's that sound in the distance?

That, my dear readers, is the sound of karma.

Just in case you were under the impression that Hera is a pleasant child, she isn't. She got hit with a double whammy of genetic bitchiness. Nice points can be very misleading.

Brahma's birthday! Too bad I have zero pictures of him as a toddler. I'm sure I took some, but they were nowhere to be found. I guess I was DOIN IT WRONG. This happens several more times in the update.

I'm not sure what the hell this is. I thought it might be a popping picture, but I don't see a pop. Whatever is going on here, she sure looks maniacally happy about it. I'm afraid for my life.

Hera: Somebody's poisoned the waterhole!

Okay, that's the last Toy Story reference I'll put in this legacy. Promise. ~~Lies, all lies.~~

I guess that picture of Selene WAS a popping picture, because Erin is making the same face here. Either that or they're both smoking from the same stash.

Amun: TEEHEEHEE OH GOLLY YOU'RE SO FUN MOM~

A crazy woman in a space suit tickling her fully grown son out on the front lawn? Please, like you've never seen THAT before.

I believe it was here that I moved Amun, Samuel, and Brahma out of the house, but I can't be sure because the pictures are missing. They'll be back though, albeit in smaller joint updates with Cybele's family.

Take a good long look at the crazyface while you can...

because Rhea's gettin' old!

Erin: Do I have to be here for this? I don't even LIKE these people.

Selene: Hurry up and blow out the damn candles, I need to eat to feed this parasite growing inside of me!

Oh how I'm going to miss this.

Nic: Finally I won't be alone in my bladder-leaking, saggy-breasted life stage!! HUZZAH!

Rhea: Saggy breasts... wait, what?

Rhea: This isn't what I signed up for!!

Rhea: OH GOD IT BURNS WHERE I PEE

IT'S USELESS TO RESIST, RHEA.

She looks... exactly the same. But that grin will haunt my dreams forever.

As soon as this popped up I read it as "you've got a big penis coming!" Now that would be a birthday party to remember.

Some things never change.

Erin: The sun is so amazing! It's a resource for all life on our planet, without it, we'd die!

Rhea: Whatevs, ho. I'm old now, I don't have to listen to this shit anymore.

After many years of looking sort of skanky, Rhea finally dons a reasonably lengthed skirt. I tried giving her gray hair, but it looked so wrong. She just isn't Rhea without the black hair!

NO RHEA... ANYTHING BUT THE FUCKING GRANNY PANTIES.

Selene's unborn child tries to fling itself out of the womb in a last ditch attempt to save itself. Silly child, there is NO ESCAPE from this family.

Selene: Don't make me come in there.

Erin: Someone, anyone! The baby is coming!

Selene: -has a sexy dream about Meadow-

Nic: Cripes, ANOTHER child? I get so little screentime as it is!

STOP THE PRESSES, BECAUSE I SEE A RECESSIVE GENE. It's a boy, and I name him Seth, because I have been saving that name for someone really awesome. He better not let me down. There will be consequences.

Selene: Psh, so she had a baby, big deal. When's dinner?

LTW achieved! I am simultaneously ashamed and proud to say that this is the first LTW I've ever achieved out of all my families ever. Usually I skip around families too much to get that far.

Rhea: HELLO SWEET DARLING BABY, IT'S GRANDMA, KEKEKEKEKE

At least wait until the child is OUTSIDE the uterus before you traumatize it.

Later that night...

Selene: The pain, the excruciating pain! What did I ever do to deserve this, aside from cheating on my pregnant wife?!

... D:< FUCK YOU DOMINANT GENES. I did have a brief lol over the fact that though Meadow has fairly dark skin, this baby came out lighter than his half-siblings which were products of two light-skinned sims.

Anyway, it's another boy, his name is Surya. Getting confused yet?

Erin turns out to be a surprisingly shitty mom. She's always too tired for everything, and completely ignores Surya, they're not even counted as family. That actually makes me feel... sort of guilty.

Hera is ready to grow up at last, and just in time, because having three cribs was a bit too much for me.

The little bitch sneaks off with a piece of cake before I can get a shot of her or give her a makeover. So that's how it's gonna be? What do you think this is, a BIRTHDAY party?! I think it's time to UNLEASH THE FUCKING FURY.

You brought this on yourself. ALL OF YOU. WITH YOUR BLACK HAIR THAT WON'T GO AWAY.

Just in case you're wondering whether or not that's REALLY a metric fuckton of skanky make-up...

It is.

Hera: Why yes, I am a tranny hooker, thanks for asking!

And on that note, I present to you, her stats:

Hera Zyzzyva
Aries
7 neat
8 outgoing
6 active
3 serious
6 nice

Rhea keeps trying to school her new grandchildren in the ways of the almighty Crazyface, but I don't think anyone actually pays attention.

She now spends most of her days being really, really obnoxious.

Rhea: Fuck you, I'm FEELING the music.

Rhea: TWANG TWANG, MOTHERFUCKER

Rhea: You know, from the right angle, a mortar and pestle looks an awful lot like phallic imagery.

Erin: lol it totally does

Selene: Guys... you're even starting to creep ME out.

Five minutes later:

Hera: Hey, you know what looks like phallic imagery from the right angle?!

Rhea: Bitch is stealing my lines.

The days are scooting along, and it's now Seth's birthday. Remember what I said about disappointing me, Seth. Just look what happened to Hera.

Awww. He's mighty cute. For typing that sentence I think I need to go shove an icepick into my nasal cavity.

He reminds me of a tiny gangster or something. He's also not very agreeable, the only people he actually likes are his grandparents.

I'm not sure I can see why.

Rhea: i has a helmet!

Where the fuck are these people hiding their drugs, and why won't they share any with me?

Nic freaks me out as an elder. He's always walking around the house in the wee hours of the morning, and I won't know he's there until I hear the creepy elder male voice coming from another room. Sometimes I'll find him potty training one of the kids for no reason. At least he's useful, unlike SOME people...

Oh, hi, Rhea.

Rhea: I'm gonna get you in your sleep, whore.

Woo, it's Surya's birthday. I could make a joke about this picture, but I fear it would be toeing the line of poor taste, and I've already met my quota of that for today.

Rhea: MY GRANDSON IS FUCKING ADORABLE AND I LOVE HIM

Surya: I LOVE YOU TOO GRANDMA

HOLY FUCKOLA.

Meadow! What happened to your good genes?! I tried to cover up his face with hair...

It didn't help. D:

Getting old has not killed the romance for Nic and Rhea.

Rhea: Your flabby asscheeks still look good to me, dear. -grab-

Nic: -giggles with glee-

I swear I was only trying to get a shot of her face here. Honest! The stupid shower kept getting in the way though. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

FUCK YES, YOU ARE THE BEST WORK TRANSPORTATION EVER

Rhea: Hey everyone what's going on? Oh, me? I'm just going to work IN MY FUCKING HELICOPTER WHICH IS JAWSOME AS HELL.

Rhea: Urgh... on second thought, maybe this isn't so jawsome...

What the social worker doesn't know can't hurt me.

Things were getting too fucking crazy and I needed extra child-rearing help, so I had Rhea retire. She looks kind of pissed about it, and I think I know why:

What? That SUCKS. Even the big penis would've been better than this.

Hera: Mom! Other mom! Look, I drew up plans for a hydrogen bomb!!

Erin: That's nice dear. Run along now and play.

Nic: Do I get screentime nao?

Sorry Nic. You've just become too normal for this family. Most of the time, anyway.

I know I'm going to hate myself for this, but... I downloaded the triplets and quads hack. I think I have a problem. :(

The boys are ready to become children after four hellish days of pissing themselves, puking, whining, and generally being neglected. They're so cute when they're young. -gag-

HUEG LIP ALERT. I hope he keeps the big lips when he becomes a teen. Seth's lookin pretty good ~~no I'm not playing favorites at all~~.

Surya... not so much. His cheeks frighten me. He does look cute from certain angles though... like from the back. Stat time!

Seth Zyzzyva
Scorpio
9 neat
8 outgoing
9 active
5 serious
4 grouchy (WOOHOO!)

Surya Zyzzyva
Gemini
3 sloppy
8 outgoing
10 active
1 serious
7 nice

Literally less than a minute after aging, Seth gets sick. I guess passing out on the toilet-water-coated bathroom floor had consequences after all.

Seth: Oh lawd... *cough*

Seth: *hack... wheeze, coughcoughcough*

Seth: *GASP!!... choke, cough*

Seth: *sputter, HACK* S-SAVE ME... *coughcough*

ARE YOU DONE?

Seth: ... ... *cough*

What a drama queen. Are you sure you're not Amun's child?

Sometimes this game can be really true to life. Rhea gets up every morning at a ridiculous hour to do something really bizarre, much like my own grandma. Although my grandma does so with her clothes on.

Rhea: Vile insects!! You sicken me to my very core!

Later that day, the flu spreads to Rhea.

Rhea: MY SOUL IS DYING

Thanks a lot, Seth. As if she wasn't annoying enough before getting sick.

Although this could've had something to do with it too.

Enjoy your happiness while it lasts, Erin. Because it's about to get 3000% more frustrating around here.

Erin: IT'S TIME AGAIN

Rhea: Ohh, hey! Someone left a tip!

It's TWINS. (Phew...) This is Zarja.

And this is her sister Zora. Both have dark blue eyes and black hair. Fucking hell. I also get them confused frequently... there's nine people in the house damnit, cut me some slack.

Nic arrives home soon after, and achieves his LTW! FREAKING FINALLY.

Nic: Where my bitches at?

Selene has to show him up by achieving her LTW later that same day.

Selene: And I know where my bitches at.

Selene is the only one in the house who doesn't go "EW GET THE FUCK AWAY" when Surya asks to be read to. Poor Surya, it isn't his fault he's a lovechild. I can't believe she's actually a decent mother though.

Or semi-decent, at least.

Hera's birthday has arrived, oh happy day!

Oh happy... disturbing... day.

Why hello there Slutty McSlutbag, let's fix you up. And by that I mean fuck you up again, just in a slightly different way.

zomg. Her eyes look slightly crossed, and she has a tiny puckery mouth and I LOVE IT. Whoever is responsible for these genes is awesome.

I desperately needed to find someone passably attractive who DIDN'T have a vagina if there was any hope of having a non-freaktastic generation 4, so Hera was promptly sent downtown.

Hera: WHERE ALL THE HOT MENZ AT

That's what I'd like to know. What the fuck, Maxis? The only guys that have decent facial templates all have FUCKING BLACK HAIR.

I kept Hera out for something like 3 entire days ~~lol maxmotives~~ before blowing a few thousand simoleons on the matchmaker.

Oh fuck you, black hair. Just fuck you to hell. I want this boy's lips in the genepool though. SOMEDAY. The date continues, even though I have no intention of hooking him up with anyone.

Hera: I won't sleep with you, but I will give you this fantastic noogie!

Nameless Teen: W-why would you do that?!

Oh come on. Freaking out like a little bitch over a noogie is an automatic date-ender. See you in a few generations, dude.

Apparently I lost a few more pictures... just pretend like I've got a few shots here of Hera going to the shopping district. I decided to check out the beauty salon, since I had never been there, and guess what I found: a few freshly generated townies!

Take a good look at this man. Why? Because he's going to marry someone this generation. I don't know who, but it doesn't matter, because he WILL be a part of the family. Not only does he have red hair and gray eyes(!!), but his name... is ARES. Ares! The Greek god of war! That fits in perfectly with the naming theme!

This townie had an interesting face, so I had Hera make her over. It only took about a billion years for her to get it right.

At first I was just going to give her new hair and be done with it, but as I started adding more stuff, I noticed something. Call me crazy, but I definitely see a little Angelina Jolie in her face. If it weren't for the pointy nose of death, that is. Her jawline interests me.

On this horribly anticlimactic note, I must end the update. I guess I lost more pictures at the end. ._. Next time: MOAR TEENS, and the kids actually sprout personalities. It's about damn time. I may or may not have Cybele & Amun's joint update posted before then. Here's a teaser to quench your thirst for all the GAY~ this update was lacking:

A purple swingset? That's fierce.

Zyzzyva Legacy gen 2.1

2008-02-20T20:30:47Z

I would've had this posted yesterday, but a real life incident prevented that. An incident involving a backed up toilet, a flooded bathroom, and unspeakable horror bubbling up into the tub. That's probably too much information, but if I had to suffer, so do you lucky people! Enjoy the nightmares.

Everyone's fresh out of college and ready to start their new lives! Cybele moved out to live on her own with her fiance Mitch, while Selene and Amun headed back to the legacy house. The first order of business was to move the future spouses in.

Samuel starts things off nicely by being FREAKING LOADED. Not only did he have 11k simoleons, he had a ton of crap in his inventory for me to pilfer.

Then he has to go and ruin it by doing something incredibly gay and disturbing. Are you trying to make me make a Goatse joke, Samuel? Do you REALLY want that?

Selene catches Erin in a good mood, and she agrees to move in too. Although she ends up disappointing me horribly:

Why are the pretty ones always poor?

Nevertheless, she is hot. I wouldn't kick her out of my bed.

Selene agrees.

Several hours later...

Selene: What are you doing? I have to piss and you're hogging the toilet. You're so selfish, Erin.

Erin: -pukes up an entire ocean of body fluids-

Samuel: Goddamnit Amun, how many times do I have to tell you not the flush the toilet while I'm showering?!

Amun: Sorry, babe, can't talk now, I'm planning our wedding which I neglected to tell you about until this moment.

I was so freaking determined for this wedding party not to suck that I went all-out and designed a nice little area for everyone in the backyard. I got food, champagne, a cake, the whole nine yards.

The wedding guests consisted of the usual suspects,

and a few who were not-so-usual. He's sure to spice up the wedding, everyone loves motherfucking vampires, right?

Amun: Gosh, you're amazing. Ever since I met you my life's been, like, ten thousand times better. Especially after I stopped cheating on you!

Samuel: Yeah, well, I dunno about that. I'm sort of bored with this whole thing...

Samuel: lol j/k bby ur the greatest

This is the gayest gay wedding I've ever seen.

Rhea is attending, looking gorgeous, although I'm fairly certain that she had no idea what was going on. That's a "Who the fuck are these people?" face in disguise if I've ever seen one.

Suddenly both myself and The Count remember OH SHIT HE'S A VAMPIRE.

Uhh, oops. A guest leaving vampire flakes in the house as they run like a little bitch to get away doesn't exactly spell 'great party.' Damnit.

Fortunately the sudden departure of Count Whatshisname doesn't seem to disrupt the flow of the ceremony, and my dream of having a normal wedding party can stay alive!

...

Shit.

SOMEONE (I'm looking at you, Erin) left a hamburger on the stove before attending the wedding, and now the fucking kitchen is on fire. This could only happen to me.

Samuel: Do you smell smoke?

Amun: No, I smell MARRIAGE. Now put that ring on my finger before I have a fucking aneurysm!

All together now: Awwwww.

Nic: You bitch, this wedding is WAY nicer than mine was.

Meanwhile, the inferno blazes on. I don't even think anyone ever noticed. Thank god the residents of this neighborhood are the kings and queens of Stupid, or else this party would've been doomed.

Amazingly, after the Count left, I had the exact right amount of chairs set out. Yeah, I'm awesome like that.

Rhea: Oh, is someone getting married?

:|

Remind me never to put the champagne inside ever again. With 12 sims wanting to make a toast at the same time, it just equals chaos.

Rhea: If this whore doesn't get her fucking glass out of my face I'm going to have to dropkick a bitch. -smilesmile-

You know you've had a little too much champagne when you manage to FORCE YOUR ARM THROUGH YOUR RIBCAGE, HOLY SHIT.

I don't think I have to tell you that Amun had a fabulous time at this party. Being the sole focus of every single person in the room is on par with a wet dream as far as he's concerned.

;_; My little ~~girl~~ boy is all grown up.

Nic: My son just wed some gay townie, what do you say to that? Pretty impressive, huh?

Kennedy: FNARHGAGGHAG

So I noticed that Marisa was just standing creepily in the middle of the kitchen, staring. I wasn't sure what she was looking at, so I swivel the camera around and what do I find in her line of vision?

Oh, nothing much, just RHEA'S ASS. Dear god, Marisa.

Way to stab your husband in the face with a fork, Amun.

Amun: LOL IT BROKE THE SKIN, SCORE

Eventually Selene is all FUCK THIS SHIT. I guess she got tired of being around so many happy people, it was starting to throw her Satanic aura off balance.

NO, MARISA. YOU ARE NOT GETTING INTO THIS LEGACY. JUST STOP.

The limo arrives to take the newlyweds on their honeymoon. Amun celebrates by running into the path of the oncoming car. It's really like someone is TRYING to die at this wedding.

It's just too bad I couldn't put a mirror on the ceiling too. That would've been pretty freaking epic. Regardless, COMMENCE THE SEXINS.

*whistles innocently*...

I hate career tracks that require body skills. Like, a lot. I wish I could turn body-skill-requiring-career-tracks into people, extract them from the game, meet them here in my livingroom, and slap the shit out of them. One by one. And I would savor every last brutal second.

Erin: My organs feel kinda funny...

Erin: Oh shit. Please, just let this be swelling from internal bleeding.

Selene unceremoniously pops the question one day, and Erin accepts, much to my surprise. It must be the pregnancy hormones.

Erin: THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE, I FEEL SO ELATED I COULD PUKE OUT A STREAM OF RAINBOWS

Selene: ... lol k.

As all this is going on, Cybele is making herself at home a short distance across the street.

She's still as boring as ever, but at least she's pretty, freakishly small mouth and all.

Since this is a legacy and there's no such thing as "waiting for the right moment," I set up a crappy wedding area on the front lawn and invite a bunch of people.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Selene is an alcoholic. She practically crawled up her sister's butt just to get near the bar first.

Surely THIS will be the beautiful, peaceful sim wedding I've always dreamed of. Everyone's looking nice, there are no fires burning, things are going fine.

God. Damn. It.

Everyone is flocking around the fucking champagne instead of WATCHING THE WEDDING TAKING PLACE IMMEDIATELY TO THEIR RIGHT.

This is so wrong. On so many levels. This is so wrong that even I cannot write a dirty caption about it.

It's not any less wrong from the side view, either. You know, years ago, this would've just been an amusing glitch. But my mind has been so corrupted over time that I can't see anything but nastiness. Thanks a lot, internet.

This picture is so Sonny and Cher.

To add to the endless parade of stupidity, Nic spends the entire ceremony standing by the champagne, trying to make a toast. Fail.

Even though you've doomed me to another generation of black-haired children, I love you both.

As soon as they're hitched, Mitch could no longer contain himself, and spewed forth a dream date bouquet from his nether regions that he must've been holding inside for quite a long time. The last date they had was in college.

Nic: EXCUSE ME. This NOTHING is blocking my view of my daughter's wedding that ended five minutes ago!

These people are going to drive me to drink.

At last everyone is free to make a fucking toast. Even this random passerby joins in, uninvited, just to get in on some alcohol guzzling, braincell killing action.

Erin is already proving what a WONDERFUL mother she's going to make.

It was somewhere around this point that I deleted the goddamn champagne altogether, because every single person in attendance wanted to make toast after toast after toast.

Yeah, that's not conspicuous. At all. STOP FUCKNG STALKING EVERY MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY. I'M THIS CLOSE TO COWPLANTING YOU.

Mitch: HEY SWEETIE LET ME VIOLENTLY SHOVE A FORMLESS LUMP OF DOUGH INTO YOUR FACE

lulz were experienced.

Someone wanna tell me why Joe Carr is showering in my house? Is this normal wedding guest behavior?

Erin really loves to OM NOM NOM on those invisible chips, she does it at home too. Such a classy gal.

I'm still holding out for someone to make a "tie to bed" hack/animation. Better yet, an entire expansion pack dedicated to those of us who want a more mature side to our gameplay. A.K.A. the perverts.

Cybele: HORK... HOOOORK... oh hey, my spleen came out!

You wouldn't know it to look at her, but Cybele's goal in life is to be a fucking BAD ASS criminal. I know I'm intimidated by that nicely pressed dress suit.

Mitch is pretty much a big doofus. And though the picture doesn't show it, he's also a cop. IS THAT FORBIDDEN LOVE I SMELL?

Cybele pops, and instantly becomes the family's token friend-getter/keeper. She was nearly alienated from her entire family, so I invited Selene over to get her back into the loop. Selene asked if she could bring a friend, and I stupidly said yes, forgetting for a moment that she is an evil entity hell-bent on destroying my game.

This was the "friend." If you can't tell, that's the carpool driver. This is, as far as I know, supposed to be impossible. I couldn't even click on her to greet her, not that I wanted to anyway. She wandered around the lot for a few hours before leaving. Thanks for glitching my game yet again, Selene.

I love how being pregnant and raising children in putrid, fly-infested houses never had any adverse effects.

Back in the main legacy household, there's more popping going on.

Amun: But I'm fabulous! I can't be fat!

He takes out his gay-rage (gayge?) on the poor, defenseless punching bag.

Amun: That slut husband of mine is carrying the next one. I'm too pretty for this shit.

Erin: I remember my first time. It was with your daughter, actually. I don't think I've ever screamed so hard in my life!!

Rhea: ...I have a daughter?

Half a day later, the big moment is upon us. Rhea is the only other person home, so she reluctantly takes on the task of... standing there and bitching.

Rhea: Witnessing the miracle of birth is so fucking BORING. Just squeeze it out already so I can get back to my chess set.

Why hello there little... oh, um... okay.

It's a girl, her name is Hera, and she looks exactly like Cybele. I hope that isn't a sign of things to come. Fun fact: if I didn't have a naming theme already, I would name her Neck Injury. Neckie for short.

Despite having a new bundle of joy to fawn over and care for, Erin decides it's time to once again bow to her true master, the Almighty Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Take THAT, mother nature!

Having a new baby in the house doesn't really change much.

Rhea: Holy flatulent hell, that's just nay-usty.

Later that day, Selene gets home, and brings with her the worst fucking thing in the entire world.

GET. THE. FUCK. OUT.

There's one little problem with this whole new baby thing. Selene? Yeah, not really the mothery type. The birth of Hera sends her into everyone's favorite mode of insanity, aspiration failure!

Selene: I can... I can feel it! Dozens of eyes, watching every aspect of my life...

Flamingo: Oh hell no. Get this crazy bitch away from me.

Selene: Y-Yes... I understand now! People watching! The true nature of our lives! Th-this is... a LEGACY challenge!! AHAHAHAHAAA.

All returns to normal as Selene makes a classic "get your fucking hands off me" face. The therapist made her forget all about her breakdown, and the discoveries she made.

Selene: But it all seemed so real for a moment... I could almost see the captions...

Captions? People watching? Now that's just silly, Selene.

Amun makes me seriously question his parenting skills as he attempts to put Hera into the floor. He must be channeling Kitty Pryde of the X-men.

Amun: Excuse me? My ass is feeling a little dilated here.

That's right, it's birthing time again. Amun clutches at his non-existent manwomb, and after a prolonged series of annoying whining, out pops...

A BLACK BABY! lol wut?

This family's genetics are so fucked up. It's a boy, and his name is Brahma. He looks like Nic, which makes this whole experience even more bizarre. It's like Amun just gave birth to his own father.

We go back to Cybele's house momentarily to see how the happy couple is handling the pregnancy.

A family sim having nightmares about their pregnant wife can't be a good thing.

It's too late for regrets now though, as Cybele gives birth all alone in a ridiculously dirty house.

Another boy. Meet Natha, the first baby to actually have a semi-realistic mix of his parents' genes.

He is PRETTY. I feel weird calling a baby pretty, but look at him. GORGEOUS. Back to the main house now.

This is a love letter I found randomly in the mailbox, apparently from AGES ago when everyone was still teens. Amun was all "LOL IT'S FOR ME," but when I inspected it it was really to Selene, from Meadow. Oops.

The day has finally come. It's time for Nic to age into an elder, becoming my FIRST ELDER EVER. WOOOO YEAH.

Nic: Please don't make me do it. I don't want to have saggy moobs!

There's no stopping Father Time though, and Nic transitions with much gusto. Selene looks on, looking almost... happy that her father is one step closer to death.

...

The entire look just screams "hello little girl I've got some candy in my pants" type creepy old man at the park. I send him off to the mirror right away.

During all of this, Hera lays on the kitchen floor, ignored and neglected. It must be the Cybele Curse or something.

Much, much better, even with Maxis hair. I still think he looks pretty good.

Is it wrong to mentally undress an EMT?

No, really.

At some point it was Hera's birthday. The days started running together, having 8 people in the house really makes things confusing.

Selene: I wonder if I can make her hit the ceiling!

Pre-makeover. I really don't know where that nose came from. She does have her mom's devious look about her though.

Here she is in all her glory. SHE IS ADORABLE.

Look! SO CUTE!

Hera: That's right, bitches. Drink it all in.

So we've had 3 births, 3 happy marriages, aging, more stalking, and a surprisingly small amount of drama. It appears that things are finally starting to calm down.

But all is not right in the Zyzzyva household...

Meadow drops by one night, and I probably don't have to call your attention to her amorous pose to tell you what she's up to.

With Selene slutting it up again, only time will tell what sorts of evil will be brought about as a result...

NOTE: In case you missed it, Selene is up for download! She can be found in the info post here.

Someone wanna test this for me?

2008-02-10T22:03:44Z

I packaged Selene, but since this is my first time ever uploading a sim, there's a chance I did something wrong. What I need is for someone to download her and see if everything's working properly. She can be found here. If anyone needs me to upload to another site, I can.

Zyzzyva Legacy gen 2.0

2008-02-07T21:12:43Z

For those of you who are interested in downloading Selene, she'll be available either before or at the end of the update after this one. If you want any of my other sims, just ask and I'll upload them too.

This post took me DAYS to write, and it's not as funny as the previous updates. I find sim-college so damn uninspiring and frustrating. Things should be back to normal next time.

The kids were finally sent off to college, so I moved them into OH LAWD Hall and gave the three of them swanky new clothes.

I hoped that by putting Cybele in something bright and flashy, she'd somehow sprout a personality. Everyone looks pretty much exactly the same, so no close-ups.

Amun: Since I'm clearly the most awesome person here, I've taken it upon myself to review the residents of this dorm, and have decided that you're simply too ugly to live here. Just go die or something.

Oh, he would. Also, in that outfit, Amun's ass looks... voluptuous? I'm a bit disturbed by it.

Everyone quickly learned that it was best not to directly interact with Selene. Staring creepily at her, however, was fair game.

Whoa, whoa, WHOA. What the fuck is going on? Are these the same sims I've been playing this entire time?

Yep... definitely the same sims.

Now if only ANYONE would pay attention to Cybele, it would really start looking like a happy family.

Ah, the first victim of the no dormie protect hack. This becomes a very common occurence. Not even my sims from the asylum challenge were this stupid. THE BATHROOM IS RIGHT THERE.

I was desperate to spawn some non-hideous dormies, so I worked up the nerve to use the cow plant. I've never used it before out of guilt and fear that it would eat a townie I like or something... but seriously, FUCK these dormies. There's no excuse for not having a nose.

Selene: You digust me, filthy whore.

She deserved it. She would not stop pulling pranks in the kitchen, and the entire room ended up flooded. She pissed herself immediately after arguing with Selene. Come on, people... you don't fuck with the princess of darkness.

Amun continues to struggle with the concept of appropriate touch. Orlando probably won't be showing up much anymore. He's an okay guy, but his face just isn't suited for breeding.

Cafeteria worker: OH THE HUMANITY!!

This is officially the First Legacy Fire. And it WASN'T STARTED BY ME! I don't believe that has ever happened before.

Half of the people in this picture did not survive the semester. If only you could get rid of obnoxious roommates in real life in a similar fashion.

I REGRET NOTHING.

Amun has taken to wandering around outside the dorm in his underwear, obsessing over himself in the mirror. If only he could find someone who loves him as much as he loves himself.

Cybele is pretty much a huge fucking nerd, being a shy knowledge sim and all. All her wants revolve around doing homework and completing semesters. WHY ARE YOU SO BORING.

Amun: You go girl! Play that thang!

HIS ASS.

One day Selene was walking around the student lounge, minding her own business when suddenly she spies a delicious slice of sex pie, causing her to go into swooning-demon mode. This is a first for her, who the hell could she be so excited about?

It's Roxie, a psuedo-goth chick who, if her caked on makeup is any indication, is a big ol' desperate skank.

Selene: Yowza! If you were any hotter, every pathetic, moronic, drooling sack of skin in this place would be incinerated to dust!

Roxie: ...

Selene: So, wanna go on a date?

Roxie: Um, no. You're kind of really fucking creepy.

D: Denied.

So yeah, my original plan was to have Selene be bisexual, but there are absolutely NO dateable men at Academie Le Tour, so lesbian it is. Actually, there was one dateable guy, but someone else took him...

Those are seriously some of the most poorly drawn flames I've ever seen. Whoever rendered them should be ashamed of themself.

Cybele takes her life into her hands by running in those heels to greet her beloved...

Meet Mitch, a Maxis sim and the aforementioned ONLY decent looking male on campus. Cybele was quite taken with him from the moment they met. He's a family sim, and also incredibly boring. They make a cute couple though.

This is what happens when I leave Amun alone for five minutes, I come back to find some guy trying to get fresh with him in the bathroom.

Amun: The way you pissed on that urinal cake was, like, so sexy.

Um, NO. I cannot allow this.

Mutual disgust? Good. You should be ashamed of your hideous selves.

After offing a few more dormies, this fine specimen moves into the dorm. Her nose is a bit large, but I think she's ridiculously pretty. And she's a redhead. That's insta-win in my book.

Selene: I'd rather dislocate my thumb and let it dangle towards the floor than date this bitch. Here, let me show you.

You know what Selene? TOO BAD. I need her to dilute the black hair gene. Forced interaction commences.

Selene: hey bby what do u think of--

Erin: Are you honestly trying to pick me up? Please, spare me. I'd rather die.

Selene apparently HATES THE SHIT out of people who don't like to gossip, so she pushes her. Hindsight being 20/20, I can see how this sets the tone for their entire screwed up relationship.

Erin: That slut better sleep with one eye open.

Selene: I've lost me mojo.

Well, that's what happens when you violently shove someone you just met. Sorry babe.

This POS thought it would be fun to pass out in front of the entrance/exit to the lot, so no one could get to class. I responded by placing her on a floating tile on the top floor. Fucking dormies need to learn not to piss off the sim-god. KNOW YOUR PLACE, PEONS.

Amun grows one step closer to becoming a stereotypical gay porn actor by getting buff. Not that I've watched gay porn. Or downloaded it. No, not ever.

WHERE WERE YOU 3 SEMESTERS AGO? She won't escape that easily. I'm marrying her in at some point.

Wait, WHAT THE... you think you're pretty clever, don't you? You may be able to escape from the third floor, but you HAVEN'T WON, YOU HEAR? I WILL kill you.

The ghost problem started to get really out of hand. I think at this point there were 6 graves lined up alongside the dorm.

Cybele: THE HORROR, THE HORROR!!

Thank god she's a knowledge sim, at least something good came out of getting the piss scared out of her. Several times.

Cybele has these really sporadic bouts of insanity. She was calling Mitch for a date and apparently decided that dislocating her arm would qualify as a good time. I guess when you've been ignored your entire life you have to get your fun where you can.

Cybele: YOU ARE MY FIRE... THE ONE DESIRE. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY, I WANT IT THAT WAY.

Mitch: lol wut

How sweet. They're going to make such good parents.

Cybele: My boyfriend's getting the fuck beat out of him by an old woman... hot.

I don't know if I would trust Selene to give me a makeover... she looks WAY too happy to be taking scissors to someone's head.

Selene: *Schwing!*

This is a really bad picture, but trust me, she came out lookin' mighty fine. I see redheaded babies in my future!

However, I forgot to count on the fact that Erin fucking hates Selene. The two are friends and she still can't manage a decent conversation with her.

The day you get owned by a cheerleader is the day you should find the nearest tall building and jump off.

Ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a sign of the apocalypse. You can start putting on your radiation suits now.

She thought she could get away. She was oh so wrong. Let's see you escape THIS.

At this point I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted Amun to marry Samuel. I sent him downtown to cruise for penis, but as usual, there was nothing worth hitting on. But THEN...

THIS GUY SHOWED UP. AGAIN. THREE UPDATES IN A ROW. And he followed Amun all over the club. Whyyyyyy?!

That's probably the face I'd make too if I realized half the neighborhood was stalking me. Yes... that's the same lady as before.

I guess it's useless to even look for more guys. Amun is too wrapped up in constant preening to make much of an effort anyhow. I don't want to hear any whining if he ends up with fugbabies, damnit.

Amun: DO YOU MIND?!

Oh, sorry.

One day, a dormie actually dies of natural causes. If you consider starving to death because you're too fucking stupid to feed yourself "natural."

Grim: It's too goddamn early to deal with this bullshite.

Am I the only one who wished Maxis had made it possible to breed with the Reaper? ._.

After DAYS of sucking up, Erin finally succumbs to the Zyzzyva charm. Sort of. This is about as far as it went before she was like "EW DON'T TOUCH ME" again.

Bwahaha. She ended up glitched into an endless sleep on the roof when I moved her out of the wall, but I woke her up with the stereo and she promptly died. Rest in peace, whatever your name was.

Samuel: Baby, when I said "let me be the girl for a change," this isn't what I had in mind.

Not bad, not bad at all. He's even catching Erin's eye, and she doesn't even look at her own girlfriend that way.

That?

Is not how you do it. At all.

It was nearing the end of junior year, so I thought it was as good a time as any to start proposing to the future spouses.

Erin had other plans.

Erin: What are you doing?! I know I'm practically in love with you and all, but that doesn't mean I want to SPEAK to you! Fuck off!!

YOU HAVE ANGERED THE BEAST.

Erin: HELL NO I DON'T WANT NO FRIENDLY HUG. GTFO.

NOOOOO.

Somehow even after that entire fiasco, Selene ended up in love with her. Uh, okay. Whatever gets you off.

Her ego trampled upon, Selene decides to look elsewhere for a source of comfort in these troubled times.

Selene: So nice of you to drop by, Ronnie.

Roxie: It's Roxie.

Selene: Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say.

Amun: YEAH, SIS! Way to be gay! And a cheater!

This family...

As I suspected all along, Roxie is a slut, and not just any run-of-the-mill slut. She's a ROMANCE sim. That's pretty much a guaranteed lay right there.

At least take off the hat first. Geez.

Roxie got a makeover on a whim. I tried to keep her looking skanky, but toned it down a little. She's surprisingly pretty.

While her sister's home being the dorm bicycle, Cybele has a relaxing night out with Mitch. The poor thing was afraid to get her picture taken, but she did it for his sake since he had the want. D'awww.

SUDDENLY.

Mitch: -gasp!- A pear shape diamond!! How did you know?!

Ungh. This is so sickeningly sweet, I think I'm going to barf.

I think we all knew this was coming.

Cybele decides to end the night with a spectacular amount of fail. It took her FIVE attempts to get the makeover right.

-shrug- There weren't a lot of options for Mitch. He doesn't look particularly good or bad in anything. He's also apparently Asian, I'm not sure how I missed that up until now.

Okay guys... what the HELL is this? Is he fat? Pregnant? Or is this the work of some cruel meshing? Whatever it is, just get it the fuck out of here.

Near the end of senior year, Erin had finally calmed down enough to accept Selene's advances. Either that or she got drunk or something. As long as she ends up in my legacy, I don't really care.

Selene was so happy she flung herself into Erin's pathetic twig arms, and shoved both feet through the wall.

Selene & Erin: -ridiculous grins of joy-

This picture is so cute. I cannot even explain how much I love it.

Amun: AND IIIIIIIII-EEYIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOOOOVE YOOOOOOU

Samuel: It's... it's so beautiful. -sniff-

Smooth, real smooth. I love how that girl is just randomly watching them.

But V, you ask, were there ass-grabbings?! I have to know!!

Oh yes there were.

Selene: Fuck you, chess, you cheating whore.

She's such a charming young woman.

W-what are you doing? SERVE the food, don't eat it.

Amun: Clearly she just wanted to have dinner with ME. Who could blame her?

Do I really have to say anything?

At long last, Cybele's hard work pays off, and she graduates more than a semester ahead of her siblings. This picture is incredibly misleading, she actually gained 37,000 aspiration points at once when she graduated. She even gained an entire LIFETIME'S worth of aspiration points just from going through college. Knowledge sims are so easy to please.

Unfortunately for everyone else, she goes completely insane. I'm not sure what the hell was going on here, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Amun is the next to graduate. He now has all day to spend on his favorite passtimes...

Gaying it up at the karaoke machine,

And basking in his own presence.

Amun: It's so tiring to be this sexy. I really should get paid for this.

Selene graduates several hours later, and seems absolutely thrilled.

Selene: If I have to spend another moment in the company of these people I'm gonna have to slap a bitch.

I tried to throw a graduation party, but the entire thing was an epic failure. Cybele was the only one in cap & gown, and I could only invite two people. Some party. I was about to tear my hair out at this point anyway, so I invited Nic and Rhea over.

Rhea makes a beeline for the karaoke machine and makes me realize that I will NEVER, EVER place one of these things on the legacy lot as long as she's alive. She's hilariously awful.

WHAT IS THIS? I just... I don't even... YOU ARE INSANE, RHEA. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE.

I should've known though. No matter how much I have hated playing on this Uni lot, Rhea is able to make it absolutely worth it in a mere 30 seconds. I love her so much.

To make a long story short, everyone hated the party. But it didn't matter because I was getting the HELL out of this hellhole! Woooo! Everyone called the taxi to go back to Newhaven Seaside.

What would aging be without zombie grins?

Oh dear lord.

And finally, our heir...

Selene: Now, to spread evil like a filthy STD all across this neighborhood.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Zyzzyva Legacy gen 1.3

2008-01-23T11:19:17Z

Finally I managed to tear myself away from Star Ocean 3 long enough to play my damn legacy. Rejoice. REJOICE, DAMN YOU.

This update ran way longer than I intended it to.

The last update left off with Selene about to transition into a teenager. It sort of looks like she's making an "I'm going to shoot myself" gesture there, but how could that be? Living in this house is a DREAM COME TRUE!!

Well, at least you can tell she fits in with this family.

Amun: Ha! Bitch ain't got nothing on me.

Aww, she's cute, in an I'm-going-to-rip-out-your-spinal-column way. Notice Cybele playing in the toilet in the back there. No one ever watches her.

Selene rolls the Pleasure aspiration (GODDAMNIT), and the LTW to become a celebrity chef. Turn ons: stink & fitness, turn off: makeup. Boy, isn't she going to be fun to pick a mate for! Excuse me while I smash my face into the desk repeatedly.

How sweet...

And how appropriate. He only PRETENDS to be a mama's boy when it's convenient. Both of his parents are obsessed with him, all of their child-related wants involve him. I guess sucking up does count for something after all.

Selene, in many ways, is Rhea version 2.0. She's even inherited her mother's ability to use simple utensils incorrectly.

Selene: It tastes better when the spoon's been forcibly shoved through the epidermis!

THERE ARE TOO MANY NEAT SIMS IN THIS HOUSE!!!

Um, NO. Thank god I don't have InTeen.

Selene: You mean babies come from SEX?!

Hey, a member of the family is learning! Someone start a slow clap!

At some point I sent Selene downtown to pick up some new clothes, and also to hit on the pretty cashier from the previous update. Of course, she has to ruin my plans by wanting to die at the sight of her. It's not a big deal though,

because I caught a glimpse of THIS fucking thing. You could slice hard cheeses with that nose!

As Selene was leaving I saw Marisa Bendett dancing with some woman. Color me not surprised.

She cleans up very nicely. Maybe it's just because she's had a while to grow on me, but I think she's gorgeous. Still, you can almost feel the evil radiating from somewhere within.

Selene: Um, who are you again? Nevermind, I don't care, just get the fuck away from me.

This is a constant thing with them. One is always trying to hug the other, and the other one rejects them. CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

Like I said, too many neat sims, and WAY too much stupid.

Rhea: CAN YOU PEOPLE GET THE FUCK OUT SO I CAN HAVE A CHANCE OF NOT PISSING MY PANTS, OR AM I GONNA HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH?

Amun: But if I leave I can't show you my faggy hand gestures! God mom, you're so selfish!!

Oh my GOD, this is a daily occurence now. How hard is it to NOT walk in on someone when they're showering, shitting, or doing anything else that requires being partially-to-totally naked? It's not fucking rocket science.

Amun: I, um, I... I just thought you should know. Um. I'm better than you. And I should be heir. Oh, and you smell.

Selene: ...

Because both of her parents are always exhausted from CONSTANTLY GETTING BODY SKILLS GODDAMN YOU MILITARY AND SPORTS CAREERS, Selene has to take over some of their duties, such as potty training Cybele.

Okay, who am I kidding? It's just that nobody fucking notices Cybele, ever, and Selene just happens to be the only one awake when she gets the shits.

Selene: ...and then the plane crashed, and everyone DIED! Isn't that hilarious?!

Nanny: Oh dear god.

I had to do a double take, because the first time I read this I swear it said "Princess." Even without that, it's still pretty gay. My heart swells with pride, Amun's growing up into such a great little diva.

Selene's fun meter was all the way red, and every time she tried to paint she would stop after 5 seconds even though she was supposed to be enjoying it. Finally it occured to me that what she really wanted to do was DESTROY. This can't be good.

Sweet fancy Moses. D:

Selene: This is for sticking me in a room with bear carpeting! -cue Godzilla roar-

To my horror, Selene channeled all of her evil powers into that stomp. Not only did she demolish the dollhouse (effectively raising her fun bar quite a bit, I might add) but she also GLITCHED it through sheer demonic rage. I couldn't delete the damn thing no matter how hard I tried, not even moveobjects would work. Finally I conceded that Selene was just more powerful than I could ever hope to be, and stuck the crumpled ruins in the corner of the lot.

YOU WIN THIS ROUND, SELENE.

Everyone gathers around to watch Cybele become a child. That's some exciting party they're having there. Poor Cybele, everyone's over the whole "YAY AGING!" thing by this point.

Jesus Christ why is her mouth SO FREAKING TINY? Other than that, yawn.

Cybele Zyzzyva
Virgo
10 neat
2 shy (ungh, no wonder)
3 lazy
3 serious
7 nice

With more aging came more glitches. Amun and Cybele took turns glitching when they came home from school, one of them would always be unable to leave the school bus, but would 'jump' to the corner of the lot a few seconds after it left. It took me a while to figure out they were also hiding their homework there.

Speaking of hiding homework, this is Selene's pile of unfinished assignments. And it wasn't the fault of a glitch like her siblings. No, she would do her homework for a while, just long enough for me to stop watching, and then stand up a few minutes later. I always thought she was finished, but then I found this a few days later. Evil, EVIL child.

SUDDENLY, A BURGLAR. I was all "OH SHIT!" at first, but...

This was as far as he got. He tiptoed around the house going "TEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEHEEE I'M SUCH A SKILLED AND CLEVER THIEF" for so long that he never even stole anything before the cop came. What a fucking failure.

Amun: SHIT! My sister's ass is in the way!

Nic: Please don't get blood on my carpet!

Selene: PUNCH THAT COP IN THE... I mean... GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE, VILE THIEF.

Rhea: Oh, hey. I think I used to work with him.

Something's missing... where the hell's Cybele?

Cybele: Would you like some tea, Mrs. Nesbitt? It's so nice you could join us on such late notice.

AND YOU WONDER WHY PEOPLE IGNORE YOU.

This is why I really hate burglars. They have to fucking whine about it for years.

Amun cried. But since he's a flaming queen, he cries about everything. I couldn't be sure if that's what was really causing the weeping.

Rhea was devastated.

Cybele was in agony over it, despite not giving a rat's ass several hours previously.

And Nic?

Well, Nic was Nic. If it doesn't involve cleaning, it's not a problem worth considering. That's just how he rolls.

Okay guys. This is where things started to get really crazy.

You see this? Looks like normal sim-anger, right? Well that's what I thought at first. But then came this seconds later:

I thought maybe it was just because she was watching TV. So I leave her alone and come back a few minutes later. What I saw then I can ONLY explain in video form. Pictures will not do this justice.

So that settles it. Selene is, without a doubt, possessed by dark forces you and I cannot even begin to comprehend.

I heart her.

Rhea: Ah, the sweet taste of not dying!

Cybele: FUCK! FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS LEGACY! FUCK EVERYONE READING THIS! NOBODY FUCKING LOVES ME! FUCK FUCK FUCK.

This is about as interesting as she gets, you better enjoy it.

I'm not sure if she was passing out from exhaustion, or if she decided to fake her death to see if anyone would care. Needless to say, no one even noticed she was lying there.

Oh man. Both Amun and Selene had wants to see the ghost of the burglar. He didn't even steal anything and they STILL want him dead. I love these kids!

Everyone's excited about Amun becoming a teenager, except Cybele, who decides her time is better spent bitching about the robbery AGAIN. Jealous much?

Cybele: I hate myself and I want to die.

Haha! Oh, you!

Amun: Take a good look, bitches! Bask in the glory that is me!

Amun: Does this mean I'm legal now?

It does in this legacy!

Amun rolls the Family aspiration, with the LTW of marrying off 6 children. Turn ons: full face makeup & blonde hair, turn off: formal wear.

He's not as attractive as I expected him to be...

But try telling him that.

Amun: Now THAT is one fine-looking young man if I do say so myself. In fact, I wish I were someone else just so I could have a piece of me!

Amun's bladder: FOR GOD'S SAKE EMPTY ME, PLEASE

Amun's bladder: AHHH SWEET RELEASE

Aww. Now what have we learned?

Amun: That you should move the mirror into the fucking bathroom?

-headdesk-

Well it's high time for some CLUBBING, FUCK YEAH. Or... pooling. Whatever. Selene and Amun head downtown to the pool & spa to find eligible dates. Let's scope out the local ~~sluts~~ spa-goers...

I wouldn't call her pretty, but I DO want her genetics in my legacy. Such an interesting face.

I thought I sensed potential under all that whorish makeup.

But what I really sensed were JOWLS OF DOOM. That's no good...

Pig nose? Right...

Lose the hat and we'll talk. Oh yeah, and the hideous mouth.

Well, I guess you can't be too picky when you're in a legacy. I decide to have Selene hit on ALL OF THEM for good measure. Sadly there were no guys nearly decent-looking enough for Amun, so he just went off and did his own thing.

What's wrong with this picture, aside from Amun channeling Linda Blair? Oh nothing, just that the same fucking peeping tom from the previous update is stalking him. WHY IS EVERY CREEPY NUTCASE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OBSESSED WITH THE ZYZZYVAS?

Selene: Hey, you look slutty enough... wanna donate your eggs to the future of this legacy? I mean, to be honest, you're not really spouse material, but I'll lower my standards for a one-night stand.

Woman: Actually, I'm not a les-

Selene: Wait, now that I look closer, you're pretty fucking hideous. Nevermind. Phew, that was almost a huge mistake!

It took some doing, but Selene finally found someone who wanted her hot bod.

Unfortunately it was some creepy, ugly teen in a stupid looking hat. What a waste of time! Selene called the taxi to go somewhere else while I searched for Amun.

Not only was he busy being a complete failure, the SAME GUY WAS STILL STALKING HIM. GET THE FUCK AWAY!

Somehow he managed to shake the guy off before the taxi came, but he had to stop to get a look at himself one last time.

Amun: HOT DAMN! I'm barely fighting off the urge to lick the glass I'm so sexy!

I can't remember where they went next, but it doesn't really matter. My search for sexy men led me to this:

UNGH. And that's WITH default face replacements.

What's this? Pretty bartender?

GODDAMNIT.

Amun: Hey sis, sorry I've been such an asshole... let's be friends?

Selene: UM, WHEN DID I EVER GIVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU COULD TOUCH ME? JUST STOP IT.

Determined to have them bond, I made them get their picture taken together.

Haha, oh wow. Holy fuck, that bottom left picture.

This is pretty much the greatest thing I've ever seen. EVER.

Amun: You. I must have your sweet candy NOW.

Him? Well, if you insist.

Selene tries chatting up another slutty blonde, but she's just not having it. What's a girl gotta do to get some bisexual lovin' in this game?!

Amun seems to be successfully wooing the object of his affections though. If you consider giggling like a six year old girl wooing.

I have them move to YET ANOTHER downtown lot, and STILL no sexy men. There was a decent amount of lulz to be had though.

Disturbingly, my self-sim decided to stop by and play pool with everyone. I would say she's weird, but... it's a pretty accurate representation of the real thing.

Why so angry, Amun? Is it because you can't find a hot guy, or because your custom content pants appear to be pinching in the crotch area quite severely?

Amun: FUCK. OH... OH, GOD. OW.

Um, wow. That was such a massive failure that I feel guilty for even laughing. Maybe no one saw?

Selene: lol what an idiot.

There's no use trying to recover from that now. Just get the fuck off the dance floor before you kill yourself.

Apparently Selene met Meadow Thayer at some point, and the two hit it off. But can Selene manage to make a good impression when it comes to dating?

Maybe she LIKES the crazy look?

It must be Selene's lucky day, because Meadow just happened to have smoked a large quantity of crack that morning. The two get along great.

Poor Meadow. I wish I could warn her somehow of the evil that lurks in Selene's mind. But it's much more fun to just watch the events unfold.

Love must be in the air, because Rhea is unusually affectionate a short time later.

Rhea: Darling, I love you. Do you love me?

Nic: What the fuck? HECK YEAH I DO

I'm surprised too. I guess Rhea is okay with loving her husband as long as SHE initiates it, but not the other way around.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any stranger... If I had to choose one picture to sum up Rhea, this would probably be it.

Amun decides to invite his boytoy over, whose name is Orlando by the way. He seems like a nice enough guy, which makes me wonder what exactly he sees in Amun.

Amun: Hey, let's do it! I'm great at sex! I mean, I've never done it before, but I'm great at everything else, so I'm sure it'll be awesome!!

Two feet away, Rhea is happily ignoring the debauchery taking place immediately to her right. Cybele is so desperate for attention she doesn't mind having to play next to where her brother is pimping himself out.

Now it's time for everyone's favorite game: SPEED DATING ON THE FRONT LAWN! I can't be the only one who does this.

Selene turns out to be quite the casanova, preferring the slow and steady approach to romance, and winning Meadow over in the process.

Amun, on the other hand... well, the picture speaks for itself.

Orlando: Listen, slut. You don't touch me unless I say. We do WHAT I want, WHEN I want, and HOW I want. Got it?

Amun: I think I'm in love.

I KNEW he was a bottom.

Unfortunately for Selene, the slow and steady approach backfires. Meadow's bladder must've burst or something, because the date ended and she was like BLAH BLAH BLAH YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY NEEDS... yeah, whatever. Take your neon-fishnetted ass back on home then.

And yet despite the ass-grabbing incident, Orlando drops off a flower. Something's not matching up here.

Later that night Selene and Amun go to P.U.R.E. and then... JACKPOT.

After whoring himself out long enough Amun finally finds a man willing to accept his shameless, inappropriate flirtations. And he's even passable-looking!

Uhh, something's wrong here... a naked woman?

That's more like it.

The next day, Amun gets his first kiss with Orlando. These two have really great chemistry, I almost feel bad for two-timing the guy. Almost.

EW. On your parents' bed?! Have you no shame? Thankfully Orlando wouldn't go all the way, so the mission was aborted.

Amun had to settle for some good old fashioned ass-grabbin' instead. Orlando is pretty much the biggest cocktease ever.

The next room over, Selene is mentally scarring her little sister by sweet talking Meadow into some wild ideas.

I MUST ASK, WHERE THE HELL ARE THESE KIDS' PARENTS DURING ALL THIS BLATANTLY INAPPROPRIATE UNDERAGE SEXUAL ACTIVITY?

Rhea: Now I'll just put a happy little tree in this corner here...

Parenting at its finest.

Selene skillfully invites Meadow downtown. To where there's a hot tub. An outdoor hot tub. They have their first kiss, and then it's down to business.

Amun may be a slut, but Selene is older and wiser, and with all due respect, a much bigger slut than him.

Meadow: Gosh, that was wonderful... I... I think I'm in love with you.

Selene: Uh, yeah. I think you better take off.

And so she did.

Not three minutes later she was trying to hit on this guy. He wasn't having it though. It's not a problem... I can read social cues. That vest and hair just scream "I like men."

Oh her way out of the spa, Selene stops to check out one last person with an oddly appropriate gesture of attraction.

Selene: CHRIST ON A CRUTCH, BREAK ME OFF A PIECE O' THAT

Okay, that's it, I'm getting out of here before this escalates. All we need is a half demon, half vampire child wreaking havoc in this legacy.

Selene gets home and I immediately ship her off to college. Only Nic runs out to see her off.

Nic: Call us every day! And don't do drugs! And be safe! And remember to ALWAYS put down a protective layer of toilet paper on the seat before you go!!

Amun is elated to realize he's now head bitch of the house. He celebrates by inviting his sugar daddy over to meet the family. Except by meet the family I mean sex.

Amun: How long is he going to kiss me? WHERE'S THE SEX?!

Try as I might, the option to screw would never show up. WHY IS THE GAME DEPRIVING ME OF DELICIOUS UNDERAGE SEXIN'S.

Amun: Dude, what the fuck? I'm extremely sexy, so whatever problems we're having must be on your end.

Several romantic interactions later, Amun decides he's getting his sex, and he's getting it NOW. He's not ABOUT to let his sister try to out-slut him.

The way he's sort of peeking out over the covers is so unintentionally hilarious. Isn't it? IT'S FIVE IN THE MORNING. JUST TELL ME IT'S FUNNY.

The guy (whose name I never bothered to learn) decides he can stick around and sleep in Rhea and Nic's bed all night. This is a big mistake.

She finally wakes him up and the fucker attempts to use the bathroom. Rhea is pretty pissed off.

Rhea: You can deflower my only son, have unprotected sex in my bed, but I'll be DAMNED if you're going to use my toilet! Get the FUCK out!

He takes the hint and leaves. It was a close one, because the "throw drink" option was ready and waiting in Rhea's action queue, but he got away safely before she got to move in for the kill.

His ass freshly christened into manhood, Amun goes off the college in the middle of the night, in his pajamas. Ah, youth.

Believe it or not, Cybele still exists, and she's ready to become a teenager. The only person still excited is Nic.

He practically shits himself over the proceedings, and I'm still not sure why. I've NEVER had a sim react this way to a birthday. Just LOOK at this shit...

He's LITERALLY jumping up off the ground with excitement.

I don't see the big deal. She's weird looking, but not in a good/interesting way, and her mouth is still bizarrely small. Well, whatever. This update is way too long as it is.

Cybele is sent off to college without even getting a change of clothes. And now for the moment you've all been waiting for...

Uh, Selene is heir.

Anticlimactic, yes. Unsurprising, yes. Even though her genes are almost identical to Rhea's, Selene is freaking awesome, and everyone seems to like her, so there you go. I haven't yet decided what to do with Amun, but I know Cybele's going to be moving out of the legacy house after college. SHE BORES ME. I know it's terrible, but she's overshadowed by her siblings anyway.

Next time: THE COLLEGE YEARS. DUN DUN DUNNNN. And generation 2 officially begins.

Zyzzyva Legacy gen 1.2

2008-01-09T07:17:40Z

I really wish I had Photoshop.

We left off with Rhea giving birth to Amun-the-clone-baby.

Motherly frustration, or failed attempt at breastfeeding? You decide!

Rhea: Must not... strangle... baby...

Nice try, Selene, but you're not fooling anyone.

Selene: Just you wait, I'll be heir. I've got connections.

The more you whine, the less inclined I am to help you get back in the green.

It was almost Selene's birthday, so she celebrates by taking a short nap...

And by "nap" I mean passing out from exhaustion in a random corner. I secretly rejoice; the less conscious sims in the house, the easier my job becomes.

She manages to stop failing long enough to be brought over to the cake. Yeah, Rhea, smile happily like she HASN'T been an insane ball of freakish terror for the past 4 days. At least she'll be able to feed herself now.

That pose? Kind of gay.

Nic: GOSH I JUST FUCKING LOVE BIRTHDAYS THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY I COULD SOIL MYSELF

Some pedophile stops in front of the window to watch Selene age from afar. He came back every single day after this for like a week, and just stood there. Aren't there any NORMAL people in this neighborhood?

Finally, she ages into this:

Selene: You see these hands? YOU SEE THESE HANDS? All the better to bitchslap you with, in the name of our Dark Lord Lucifer!

Nic: ...

She's so spectacularly evil. Or at least that's what I'm going to say to stay on her good side. I mean, I'm going straight to Hell when I die, so I might as well make friends with the boss' daughter.

Great, the birthday was successful!! What do we do now?
Why, . . .

bitch,

bitch,

BITCH, of course!

Just another day in the Zyzzyva house.

Nic: Hello dearest wife, light of my life, apple of my eye, let me caress you lovingly to show you how much I appreciate you.

Rhea: FUCK NO! You've only been living here for weeks, screwing me regularly, and impregnating me with two children... what kind of girl do you think I am to even try something like that?!

Nic: ...buh...

Nic: O-oh... that's okay... I mean, I have... other stuff to do anyway...

Rhea: Golly, life sure is swell!

Nic: Motherfucker.

Why is the whole neighborhood intent on being inappropriate with this family? We've got Marisa probably sacrificing small animals to a Rhea shrine at her house, some pedo with his eye on Selene, and now the Nanny ACCIDENTALLY BY COMPLETE ACCIDENT, I SWEAR, walking in on Nic while he's showering. They're a reasonably well-adjusted family just trying to make it in this cruel world! LEAVE THEM ALONE!

A better picture of Selene. She's unusual looking, kind of boyish. She got a pretty good mix of her parent's genes, despite not having any of Nic's hair/skin/eyes.

What she lacks in his DNA, though, she makes up for with Nic's obsessive-compulsive nature. She cleans even more than her father does. Oh well, stat time:

Selene Zyzzyva
Capricorn
9 neat
8 outgoing
2 lazy
5 serious
6 nice
15 EVIL

Nanny: I didn't want to be a nanny at first. I really just wanted to be a doctor. I walked 15 miles in the snow to get to school every day. But when I was your age, us women didn't have the same kind of freedom, so I had to give up my dream when I started a family. That's when I first started getting involved in childcare...

Selene: I KNOW this bitch ain't talking to ME.

Selene: Fuck this.

Nanny: Children are so delightful.

Despite the soul-devouring facial expression, Selene is a pretty good kid. She loves her parents and stopped being such a handful. At least, most of the time.

Selene: Hey, your last name is "Cox." That sounds pretty gay. You're gay. Do you like big balls?

Kennedy: UNGH!! What a horrible child!

Selene: What? It was a legitimate question. I guess that means you like smaller balls then?

Kennedy: LA LA LA NOT LISTENING

Selene: FINE. At least you must like SEX?

No no nonono! Change topics, this is creepy!

Kennedy: Well, now that you mention it, I do like sex...

D: D: D: D:

I send Rhea over to put an end to this extremely disturbing conversation.

Rhea: Can you like, stop perving on my daughter plz and GTFO? kthnx

Kennedy: Shit.

Selene: I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for that meddling mother.

Rhea went downtown to buy clothes for her PERFECT ANGELIC DAUGHTER, and I spied this fine piece of woman:

Da-yum. Is it me, or is she really attractive? It's probably me.

I come back to find THIS in Selene's wants. YOU WILL NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH MR. COCKS, BECAUSE HE IS A PEDOPHILE. PLEASE, BE A NORMAL CHILD.

A slight makeover. I have to say, she's one of the more interesting-looking sims I've had in a while.

Dear Journal,
There's this strange man in the house who keeps insisting he's my father. I just sort of smile and nod when he's around, but it's starting to creep me out. I'm not even black!

What the fuck is this? Just please, please don't tell me she's practicing poses she saw in the Kama Sutra.

Amun's birthday has arrived, and everyone is simply thrilled. Although not all of them with the task at hand.

Rhea: Damn, my husband is fucking HOT. -tosses the baby blindly into the air-

Amun: HOLY SHIT LOOK WHERE YOU'RE THROWING

wut

Rhea: I can't look! It's hideous!

Selene: THIS is my competition for heir? I've got this shit in the bag.

It's not SO bad I suppose. Some people like the fish look.

WHAT? PREGNANCY? I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.

Scratch what I said above. Amun is fucking adorable. If real children were this cute, I'd want one.

He's such a crybaby though.

Amun: Fuck you! I'm dressed like a fucking furry, what do you expect!

He has a point.

Amun is also fucking stupid. This is a picture of him "following" his mother, except instead of following her he crawled around the outside of the house and sat in the grass.

Amun: Help!! The tub which is inside the house is in my way of my mom, who isn't even in the same room as the tub!!!

I worry about this family.

If I hadn't caught her here, I'm pretty sure Amun would've disappeared from the family after suffering an 'unfortunate accident.' Sabotage won't get you any closer to heir, Selene. ~~Okay, maybe it will.~~

Rhea: I had this HORRIBLE nightmare in which I was forced to move into a shitty house, bear a strange African-American man's children, and it was all the work of some insane girl who could manipulate every aspect of our lives!

Go back to bed, Rhea.

What? Sibling bonding? This can't be right.

Selene: And then the perfect, amazingly beautiful, ridiculously talented firstborn daughter said "BEGONE YOU HEIR-STEALING THIEF!" and the tiny insignificant boy disappeared forever! Wasn't that a fun story?

Amun: ...

You better grow up pretty, boy, because you don't have shit in the brains department.

Child neglect: fun for everyone!

I'll give you three guesses as to who this is. That kiss happened YEARS AGO in sim time, Marisa. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

God. If I didn't feel so guilty when sims with happy marriages had affairs, I'd have her hook up with the bitch. At least then maybe the thrill would be over and they'd stop being so creepily obsessed with this kiss that happened in the very first hours of the legacy.

Amun chose one night to suddenly become the most obsessive-compulsive sim yet. He would walk to the toilet, play for five seconds, stop, walk to his parents' room, sit for five seconds, get up and walk back to the toilet. It's all he ever did for the rest of toddlerhood.

One day, on a whim, I decided to look inside the bus that carried Nic to and from work. What I found has changed me in a deep and profound way.

Why Maxis felt the need to put such a brain-scarringly disturbing thing inside the bus, I'll never know. I will be having nightmares about this for years to come.

Pop. I was so tired of Pregnant-Rhea at this point that I decided to make this the last child.

Selene seems to be enjoying the new Bi-Curious Barbie Dreamset.

Selene: Hello baby brother!

Amun: Okay, what's this bitch trying to pull now?

Amun finally becomes an official member of the family by making his first crazyface. I think that's his "MY SISTER'S HAND OF EVIL JUST TOUCHED ME AND IT FUCKING BUUUUURNS" face.

Why have I never noticed that Dagmar Bertino is hot? Get in my legacy!

Selene: Mom! "Dad"! Look at how well I did in school!! I got an A+, I made the honor roll, I split the atom and won the Nobel Peace Prize!

Rhea: It's that girl who's always in our house again... doesn't she ever go home?

I can't tell if that's happiness or disappointment. I guess when you're in this family it can become hard to distinguish between the two.

Eight billion years later, Rhea finally notices Selene is home. She pretended to cheer, but come on, look at that face. She doesn't give a fuck.

Selene brought this boy home from school one day. The extreme close-up actually makes him look better, if you can habeeb it.

Rhea decides to temporarily become a zombie. It's not cannibalism if you're undead!

Amun: This fucking tub!! Move it!!! It's in the way of STUFF!!

JUST STOP IT. YOUR MOTHER ISN'T EVEN IN THAT ROOM ANYMORE.

Rhea: Uh, hey? It's time for another one of those baby things.

Rhea: WHY COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN A LESBIAN

I thought for sure this one would be twins because she made such a huge deal out of it. It wasn't.

Another girl, her name is Cybele. At the time I thought she was really pretty, but the more I look at her the less pretty she gets. Oh well, at least she has some of Nic's genes!

UM, EXCUSE ME. INAPPROPRIATE MUCH?

Nanny: Oh yeah, baby. Stand that flamingo up, push it HARD and DEEP into that ground.

I hate myself for going there.

What a fantastic nanny! She's fed and played with the baby, but she's not content with that. She goes that extra mile and makes sure it's clean and happy, and that it is given adequate attention!

Meanwhile Amun stands in the other crib, covered in shit, crying, and starving to death. I'd really love to see the other applicants for nannies in Sim City, if this crappy lady can get a job.

OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK

Amun: EXCUSE ME! CAN I GET SOME FUCKING ATTENTION HERE? I'VE BEEN COVERED IN STINK LINES FOR SEVEN HOURS!

She finally changed him, and he gave her the most priceless look I've ever seen. The entire time he just went |:<

This guy became Zyzzyva Stalker #3 when he started driving every single vehicle that showed up at the house. The school bus, both work vehicles, taxis... it was so annoying.

Rhea: Can't I at least have a good looking stalker for once?

Rhea still only has 2 cooking points, and thus sucks hard at everything involving a stove.

However, this girl put her to shame by eating a bowl of cereal that's been festering on the counter for 3 days. It's amazing when you can suck so much at cooking that you fuck up macaroni and cheese, and still not be the biggest failure in the room.

Good old fashioned crazyface, how I've missed thee!

It's Amun's birthday again.

Amun: I'm so cute it disgusts even me!

~~Not fag.~~ I mean, not bad.

Rhea: lol what a queer

Amun: I'm cute! THANK THE GODS!

Post-makeover. Yes, I gave him a generous amount of eyeliner and lipgloss. I usually have a good instinct for what my sims will turn out like, and I can tell that Amun is going to be FA~BU~LOUS.

Amun Zyzzyva
Leo
10 neat
10 outgoing
1 lazy
3 serious
7 nice
(Basically an extreme version of his sister.)

Selene: I don't see what the big deal is. His eyes are huge, and he looks more like a girl than I do. Certainly not HEIR material!

Quiet, glitch-hair. Go back to your dollhouse.

Zyzzyva Stalker #4, and also a Friendly Neighborhood Stalker. This was the walking disaster that I posted a picture of in the first update. Since then she's not only shown up all over this lot, but in most of the other lots in the neighborhood. Creepy. Sometimes I swear all the stalkers are really Marisa Bendett in disguise... this lady does have her facial structure...

A rare peaceful moment between the children. I almost consider them twins they're so similar.

I'm starting to think that every time she does this, she's just let out a fart that she's waiting for everyone else to smell. It's the only non-batshit insane explanation I can think of.

Amun decides to be an obnoxious ass-kisser and copy his mom whenever possible. He may be young, but he's well on his way to becoming a professional mental patient.

Uh, yeah. Remember Cybele? I didn't either. Here's her late birthday. I also never noticed that babies blow out the candles with their parents. That's... actually cute.

Rhea has to interrupt the moment with the sudden onset of a bladder control disorder.

Toddler Cybele. She's... average. Very, very average, in both personality and appearance. I guess all the fun, crazy genes were used up on the first two kids.

WHY CAN NO ONE IN THIS FAMILY PISS BY THEMSELVES ANYMORE? THE BATHROOM IS FIVE FEET AWAY, USE IT.

Amun: ~IT'S RAINING MEN... HALLELUJAH IT'S RAINING MEN...~

See? I told you. FABULOUS.

Yeah... I'm pretty sure you never owned one of those. Ever.

Dear Journal,
My brother is SO annoying. I don't like him. I don't think anyone does! I mean, who could? He's constantly walking around pretending to be such a goody-goody, singing showtunes, and telling me about the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy! He's DEFINITELY not heir material like me. At least when I bang a dude in the future I can have non-hack-induced babies!

Amun: That bitch.

I can't blame Selene for disliking him though. Not when he's such an egomaniac...

Amun: Did I ever mention how amazingly awesome I am? I did? Five minutes ago? Well, now you've been reminded. Although who would need a reminder with my glowing presence lighting up the entire house!

Selene: Must not kill... homicide would definitely exclude me from being heir...

Amun: Ohmigawsh, that sweater TOTALLY clashes with your shoes! Here, let me give you some pointers...

Selene: Fag.

Amun: Play with you? You must be out of your fucking mind! Get your disgusting Hell-hands away from me.

Then he ran to the other side of the room and was all MINUS MINUS MINUS. What crawled up your ass and died, Amun? You have 7 nice points! Something is not right here!

NOT AGAIN

Amun: See this toy I apparently pulled from my nether regions? Isn't it great?

Cybele: DO WANT

Amun: Well it's TOO FUCKING BAD, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT. DEAL W/ IT, HO.

Cybele: You son of a bitch.

Amun: Shit, this is funny!

He then looked over to see if Selene was watching him be a nasty bitch to his 4-year-old sister. What an attention whore. When he saw she wasn't watching, he went to go bother her instead.

This is the face she made when Amun asked to play cops and robbers with her. Yes, the same exact game she asked him to play earlier, which he refused. Amun's a crazy moodswinging bastard.

This is not the pose I would normally associate with a game of cops and robbers. Then again, I'm not a flaming homosexual.

Amun: Way to get those buns in shape, mom! Keep up the good work!!! By the way, have you chosen an heir yet?

It's finally time for Selene to become a teenager. Everyone gathers around and cheers, even Amun, and I wait on pins and needles to see if she'll be pretty or not...

NEXT TIME: Aging! Slutting around! AN HEIR IS CHOSEN! (I hope.)

forever_sims @ 2008-01-07T06:12:00

2008-01-07T12:19:26Z

Using the tutorial simplesimphony linked me to, I was able to fix Rhea's genetics so that they're no longer counted as custom content. NO MORE CLONE BABIES!!! All I can say right now is, if things keep going this way, I'm going to have one hell of a time trying to choose an heir. The next update should be posted soon!

Gen 1.1 (I think it's supposed to be 1.2... well, whatever.)

2007-12-31T07:54:38Z

Finally, an update, along with a mistake that I'm not sure I know how to correct at this moment. But I'll do my best. All will be explained at the end of the update...

Since our last update, the house has gotten a bit of a (tacky) makeover.

I'll just pretend that the lack of funds in the Zyzzyva household is the reason why it's so fugly, and not that I suck at designing houses or anything ridiculous like that.

Nic has also gotten a makeover. Despite a slight touch of insanity, he's pretty nice looking.

Rhea: Who the fuck is this strange man standing in my bathroom?

Oh, come on. You'll kiss Marisa Bendett, but THIS isn't good enough for you?

Rhea: Now that we've copulated and you've impregnated me with your bastard child that we can't afford to have, how about we get married?

Nic: Jeepers golly! What a swell surprise!

Rhea: Just keep smiling and he'll never know it's a plastic ring...

She tried to seem happy, but that looks like an "OH FUCK" face in disguise to me.

If that's twins in there I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.

Nic: OH JESUS CHRIST GET THIS SLUT OUT OF MY SIGHT

Carrying a putrid bag of trash that's been rotting in the house for days? Perfectly acceptable. Sexy woman strolling by the house? FUCKING SICKENING.

It was time for them to get married, so I phoned up everyone they knew and invited them. I even shelled out good money for a wedding arch so they could have a happy little delusion of a nice wedding for a few hours.

Well, well, well. Look who showed up. Plotting something devious, are we?

The rest of the wedding party. Wait, who's that back there?

She can't even pretend to not be a raging bitch for two sim-hours. I mean I know there's trash from like seven days ago laying around, but at least TRY to mask your contempt.

The big moment. I'm pretty sure the guests weren't even gathered around by this point, since almost everyone that came over didn't give a rat's ass about either of them and there were no chairs. Let's see how the happy couple feels about this...

Rhea: It's happening! It's really happening! This is the happiest moment of my life!

Nic: Shit, what's her name again?

Rhea: OH YEAH!!! Way to go! We got married!! THUMBS UP FOR MARRIAGE!!!!

Nic: Did I leave the gas on?...

Is the punch delicious, Alisha?

Alisha: I put laxatives in it. If I leave it lying out, one of them is SURE to drink it. The plan is foolproof.

Right. You... you do that.

Meanwhile, Rhea has a sudden attack of the MUST BE A BITCH RIGHT NOWs, and ventrilofarts this guy. By the looks of it, it was a painful one.

Everyone in the nearby vicinity hears.

Nic: Sweet chocolate Methuselah, did I really just marry this woman?

Marisa is absolutely horrified. Although not at Rhea. No, she actually ignores the facts and thinks it was the man who farted. Because her PERFECT, TOTALLY-PLATONIC-NOT-SECRETLY-LESBIAN FRIEND RHEA would never, EVER do something like that, because she is nice and pretty and amazing but in a completely straight, non-sexual way. Really.

Rhea: hey evry1 who farted?? lulz

Rhea: Oh it was THIS GUY. THIS ONE RIGHT HERE. GOD, HOW DISGUSTING.

Random guy: What? It was?

Rhea: YEAH, THIS ONE RIGHT HERE, I TOTALLY HEARD IT. God, I am so clever.

The dumb bastard actually fell for it.

Random guy: My life is OVER. BAWWWWW

Making a grown man cry at your wedding? Hell, that's just good clean fun.

Marisa: Rhea is SO COOL for calling him out like that.

She frightens me a little.

Everyone left soon after, but since I forgot to actually end the party, it ended up giving Rhea a memory of having a shitty wedding party, and since she's a popularity sim this was a Really Huge Deal. She was sad about it for a few days. Freak.

Rhea: MY HUSBAND'S NAKED MAN-ASS?! I HAVE NEVER BEFORE WITNESSED SUCH FILTH

Uh, okay.

But fixing the shower, fully clothed? Such a turn on.

Rhea: I'd like to tighten his nuts and bolts, if you know what I mean.

You lost me.

Apparently there are cordless phones in the sky in the middle of the night now. I don't even ask why anymore.

Rhea decides she needs a healthy dose of crazyface in preparation. In preparation for what, you ask?

For MOTHERHOOD, of course! That wonderous journey on the road of life, filled with laughter, tears, and the whimsical... whimsy... uhh...

Ah, shit, nevermind. Here's a birthing picture.

Rhea: MY LOINS!!!!! WHAT IS THIS HORRIBLE PAIN!?!?

Nic: WHY ARE WE YELLING?!!!!?!?!?!!

It's a girl! Her name is Selene. She looks entirely like Rhea.

And I do mean entirely.

Nic: FUCK YEAH BABIES

Nic: Wait a second... did you just mess my floors?!

Neat sims, I swear...

After Selene was born, Nic started having random bouts of bitchiness.

Nic: You shut the fuck up about me. I'll smash this plate into your face, bitch.

Rhea was all "What the fuck?" I'm not sure, either. I guess even nice sims have their off days. Or maybe he was still pissed off about Rhea coating the livingroom floor with babyjuice.

Motherhood hasn't changed her...

...not one bit.

Nic isn't averse to the crazyface either. Selene's head is XBOX HUGE.

Nic: Can't... stand it... must... BITCH!

Maybe the fact that his child has absolutely none of his DNA is starting to get to him.

Rhea: GODDAMNIT SELENE I KNOW YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THE ROOM AND YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND WORDS, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU FUCKING DISGUST ME. SHITTING IN YOUR DIAPER... YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. AT LEAST CLEAN IT UP YOU FILTHY LITTLE POOP FACTORY.

I don't know what this face was about. I really, really don't want to know.

I believe we can all learn a thing or two about being a mother from Rhea.

To appease Nic and perhaps stop his constant bitching, I sent him downtown to pick up some new clothes. I imagine that bartender outfit was starting to smell pretty ripe by now.

You're barking up the wrong tree, dude.

KILL IT WITH FIRE. HOLY SHIT.

The trip downtown did not stop his complaining.

Nic: You smell like crap covered in a blanket of crap!

Rhea: What lies... I smell delicious.

If by "delicious" you mean "rancid," then you're correct.

Rhea: What? The green lines mean it's aged to perfection.

This picture is here to remind you that Rhea is adorable.

I finally got her on the right career path. Now it's just a matter of whether or not she can stop popping out babies long enough to reach her LTW. Also, Nic? With four rotten bottles laying around the house, I don't think making the bed is the most pressing matter.

Normally I'd tell him to stop being such a little bitch, but I agree with this sentiment. I fucking hate roaches.

Nic also got on the proper career path. I still think he's attractive.

It's Selene's birthday! She's been such a nice, quiet bundle of joy, there's no way she could turn into a horrible demon child or anything...

Rhea: Time to blow out the candles, ickle babysnookums! Here we goooo~

Selene: Mom, you're fucking weird.

The look of terror on Selene's face as her mother flings her up into the ceiling amuses me to no end.

Oh.

...

Oh.

Maybe a slight makeover will help?

She's sort of cute. I guess. Now that I look at her, she does sort of have Nic's slanty eye shape. But there's something downright devious in that expression...

Sure enough, Satan began to manifest himself through Selene's body. I have never had a toddler look so fucking EVIL. And that bathtub? I had to buy it because she pissed herself as soon as she aged. I could've just changed her diaper at the changing table for free, but it was just more FUN to spend almost all our money on a tub! Yeah, that's it...

I love this game.

This expression is exactly how I feel while playing this family for the rest of the update. Selene is a demanding, hellish, whiny little turd, more obnoxious than any other toddler I've ever had, and I've had LOTS of sim toddlers.

Selene: WAH! WAAAHHHHH! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! LOVE ME! FEED ME! PLAY WITH ME! HEY! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'LL TORMENT YOUR SOUL IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY! !DROL SI NATAS YTHGIMLA

Nic: So this one time my wife had a REALLY SHITTY WEDDING PARTY. SHE ALMOST CRIED ABOUT IT. LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Asshole.

You know, before I started reading legacies, I never even knew sims made such wonderful faces during potty training.

Her crazyfaces are starting to look like her normal faces.

Rhea: YEAAAAAHHHHH WAY TO GO HONEY, YOU SHIT WITH THE BEST OF THEM

Selene: Mommy! A giant mosaic blur is attacking me!

That's what you get for being such a nasty little snot. LOOK AT THAT FACE. Pure evil, I'm telling you!

What's this? It doesn't look like crazyface...

Oh. Carry on.

Rhea: *gasp!* The lighting in here is really bad!

Evil, EVIL child. Hate.

Hate.

HATE.

Selene: You'll pay for this in the afterlife you bitch!

NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. YOU'RE NOT EVEN A MEAN SIM. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

She must've come to like rotten milk during infancy. It's all she ever drinks.

Just as planned.

Wait... what? She's HAPPY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CHILD?

You may think this is a picture of him not being able to feed her the bottle because the flamingo is in the way, but you'd be wrong. He really just doesn't want to touch her for fear of infusing himself with a demonic lifeforce.

Nic: Can't I just feed it to the flamingo?

Nic: -sigh- Why don't you look like me? Maybe Satan really WAS your father...

He tried so hard though.

Eventually he taught her to talk, but it took almost her entire toddlerhood because she was so difficult about it. This is also one of the only pictures of her in her everyday outfit... I always forget to put toddlers in their everyday outfits.

YOU FUCKING FAIL. GET THE FUCK OUT.

Selene: LOOK WHAT I'M DOING!!!

Ohhhh, you little bitch. She does it just to fuck with me, I swear.

Pop number 2.

This was a miserable time for Rhea, she was in the red a lot and the house was constantly filthy. If my toilet was as dirty as theirs was, I'd probably have nightmares about it too.

Rhea: OH GOD NOT AGAIN

Rhea: I KNOW IT HURTS, BUT IT'S SUCH A GOOD FEELING BRINGING A NEW LIFE INTO THIS WORLD...

Selene: Mom, can you SHUT THE FUCK UP? I'm trying to sleep here, SHIT.

It's... a boy... his name is Amun...

Rhea: Wait a minute... didn't I just have this baby?

And she did. It was here when I realized I had fucked something up.

At first I thought it was just firstborn syndrome, and that I hadn't randomized the genetics again. But then I reloaded and tried again. FOUR TIMES. Every time, the baby looked exactly the same. So then it hit me... I made Rhea BEFORE I downloaded default skin and eye replacements, so her skin and eyes are counted as custom content, and are dominant over the defaults. So no matter what, the babies will come out looking like her.

FUUUUUUUUUCK

I'm pretty sure this is easily fixable in SimPE, but I've never done it before. I'll mess around with it later and see if I can make it so that her genetics will mix with Nic's. I don't want clone babies. D:

forever_sims @ 2007-12-22T17:02:00

2007-12-22T23:04:08Z

Hey everyone! Thanks to all of you who read and enjoyed my legacy so far, I was so nervous that people wouldn't like it. I should have the next update posted in a few days. It wouldn't been done sooner but ~~THESE DEMON SPAWN BABIES ARE IRRITATING THE CRAP OUT OF ME~~ I have stuff to do. Yeah... that's it...

forever_sims @ 2007-12-17T05:10:00

2007-12-17T11:11:47Z

So I finally caved and made myself a Sims journal... I'll be posting my first ever legacy here soon. I'll probably post pictures of my non-legacy families too whenever I get around to playing them again. My families are all XBOX HUEG, so it should be pretty fun.

Um, yeah. That's all for now.