Warnings you'll ignore anyway: lots of cursing, sarcasm, crude humor, and so on.
Before we even begin, there's a few things you should know about me and how I like to Sim. First of all, the whole no cheating thing? Yeah, that's not going to fly with me. I don't do it often, just an innocent cheat here and there, as well as reloading when something tragic happens.
Second of all, I've never let a playable sim die of old age. Hell, I've never even let them age beyond adults, ever. I get very attached to my sims. Here's hoping I'll break myself of that. Now, without further ado, I present to you, our founder:
LTW: Become General (the hell?)
The first order of business was to cheat. (Hey, I warned you.) Her original LTW was to own 5 top-level businesses, but since I have no idea how to even start a business and don't intend to learn, fuck that. I also apparently am naming sims after various gods and goddesses. It seemed like a good idea at the time, at 5:00 AM with no sleep.
Rhea's first order of business, however, was to nearly puke at the sight of her house.
I mean, I can see why, but at least she has a toilet. She could be pissing on the lawn, you know.
Rhea: Maybe I'll get lucky and die in a fire.
Apparently taking a dump where everyone can see you is the perfect way to make yourself at home.
Rhea: FUCK YOU, flamingo, this is all YOUR fault!
Rhea: I can sell your ass back to buy mode if I have to, bitch!
Of course she wouldn't though. As you'll find out, she's actually a pretty pathetic mean sim.
Having a special moment with the spoon.
Uhh, okay. As long as you're not setting yourself on fire attempting to make pancakes I suppose it's alright.
Because the paper hates me and the first jobs available are never what I need for LTWs, I have her get a job in law enforcement. She looks absolutely thrilled about all of this.
Before the welcome wagon even arrives, a sim from a model challenge I haven't started yet comes around for a visit. My loins quiver with glee because I know they're both mean sims. Sim drama excites me. In that way.
Rhea: Golly gee, this should be fun!
Rhea: And then I took this HUGE crap!
Don't look at me like that. It's her only memory so far, what else could she possibly be talking about?
Rhea: But some bitch didn't even build any walls around my toilet!
Alisha: Please, please shut the fuck up.
Alisha: Now would be a good time for that satellite death.
Rhea: This socializing thing is pretty easy!
Pissed off that there's not even a fridge to raid on this damn lot, Alisha decides to take matters into her own hands. I love how Rhea is completely oblivious to what's about to occur.
Rhea: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
Alisha: lol @ u
Rhea: You son of a bitch.
Rhea: I WILL SACRIFICE YOUR BABIES TO SATAN YOU SKANKY WHORE
Alisha: Um, excuse me? That's totally fucking rude. Also, your breath is made of stank and fail.
Rhea: Oh, is it? I'm sorry, I guess...
I told you. She's a pushover.
Rhea: Hey! Wanna be friends nao?!!!1/ag/?g11
Alisha: You best stay away from the east side, bitch.
And so begins Rhea's knack for failing hard at anything requiring the slightest bit of people skills.
Taking pictures through the backs of sims' heads equals instant lulz. Alisha's expression is looking kind of Kakihara there.
Finally the bitch was sent packing, and the real welcome wagon showed up. It consisted of another one of my model sims,
and motherfucking Goopy Gilscarbo.
HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED TO BREED WITH SUCH NASTINESS?
Even though there weren't any decent sperm/egg donors, Rhea decided to try to make the best of the situation. Notice how she's making another one of her extra-special facial expressions. Now notice how Marisa's waving as if they WEREN'T in the middle of an hour-long conversation. I have a feeling these two will get along just fine.
As expected, the conversation went quite well. Rhea gets really into discussions. Thankfully Marisa seemed content to hear all about Rhea's short life, even though it's consisted of nothing more than pooping, eating, and bitching so far.
After a while I got bored and decided to send her downtown to cruise for d00ds (or d00dettes, whichever occurs first). I said goodbye to everyone and was about to send her over to call the taxi when--
WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
Believe it or not, this was their kiss goodbye, despite them having only 30 relationships points, no chemistry, and having not flirted with each other at all. Whatever, Rhea. She can be your woman on the side later, but there's no way I'm letting that nose into the gene pool. Off to the Lulu Lounge!
Delicious legacy material, y/y? Rhea liked him, too.
Bartender: Burglars? Are you fucking serious? You sicken me.
Rhea: The hell is he talking about? Burglars are sexy.
They only had one bolt, but she REALLY liked him. Wait a minute, what's that?
What. The. Fuck. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Most of the time though, she was ridiculously cute talking to him. Yes, I am a sap. Leave me alone.
Sadly though, Bartender Man didn't seem to take quite the same liking to her.
Bartender: YAAAAWN. God, this is just SO boring. I could DIE.
Rhea: Why am I attracted to this asshole again?
At the bar, I saw another one of my sims having a good time. Hey Tiffany, who're you saying hi to?
Oh. Okay then.
Meanwhile, gay Benjamin Long is dancing gayly with two other gay dudes. I realize that sentence was redundant, but seriously, look at them. Gay gay gay gay gay.
I had Rhea order a drink from Sexy Bartender, but then this happened. Could he be sending DO NOT WANT signals any harder? She doesn't have the plague for christ's sake!
Rhea: It's okay... I'll just drink over here by the plant in this poorly-lit corner. You'll love me, won't you, plant? ...Please?
I really felt bad for her.
What an asshole! At least wait until she's got her back turned to stare creepily at other girls.
Pissed off that she wasn't going to get any tonight, Rhea called the taxi before deciding to smustle by the telephone booth. Way to stay positive, Rhea! I love you!
Seriously, I do.
Then this geezer showed up, and though I think he was TRYING to smustle with her, he just stood there wiping his nose and staring.
Rhea: excuse me wtf r u doin
Let's get a close up on that:
When you're acting strangely enough for Rhea to give you such a look, you know you've crossed a line.
Geezer: My, you've got pretty hair. Can I touch it?
Rhea: WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING TAXI
He started smustling as she pulled away in the taxi. Shit, man, get a life. And a psychiatrist. PLEASE.
Because Rhea's awesome and can manipulate the space-time continuum, it's daylight again when she arrives home. And I swear to god the moment she set foot on the lot creepy-ass Marisa Bendett called.
Marisa: O HAY REMEMBER THAT TIME WE KISSED GOODBYE GOSH THAT WAS GREAT WASN'T IT I THOUGHT SO
As it turns out, Marisa conveniently wanted to get a group together to go downtown. As if that's not the most thinly veiled excuse to stalk her ever. Well Rhea was starving by this point and her energy bar was almost in the orange, so of course I agreed. When you're a legacy founder, you can't afford to sleep and eat when you could be slutting around! Rhea headed to FM.
Another decent-looking bartender. I'll keep her in mind for later.
My ingame camera was fucking up here, so you can't really tell, but that's yet another special facial expression she's making there. Also notice how no one's fucking eating anything even though I thought I had ordered dinner. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU ORDER FOOD?
This fug walked by and I couldn't resist snapping a shot. Look at Marisa eyeing her, the crazy bitch. Put it back in your pants, Marisa!
Ultimately NOTHING was accomplished at FM, other than Rhea building her relationship points with Marisa a little (like she even needed to.) She was almost passed out and starved to death by this point, so I had to send her home.
The end result? Pissily having an instant meal on her crappy indoor lawn chair, alone. I can't say I blame her for being angry.
She also started dreaming about some guy she's never even met before, who is also unforgivably ugly. Please, Rhea, we have standards in this house!
The next morning, she talks on the phone to the sexy bartender from Lulu Lounge, whose name is Nicholas by the way. And since I fucking hate the name Nicholas, I'll be calling him Nic from here on.
This bitch walked by and thought it would be simply HILARIOUS to kick over the trash can, right in front of Rhea. Even Dagmar Bertino thinks you're an asshole.
Not content to let it be, I have Rhea greet her.
Rhea: I'll throw some water at you that I magically materialized out of my ass! Huzzah!!
All I can say is "lol".
Rhea: Filthy trollop.
Not so funny now, is it, bitch?
Chien Yu: I got a manicure today in preparation for this moment! Taste palm, bitch!
Who the fuck follows someone into their own house to slap them after kicking over their trash can? That's just wrong. You deserve what's coming to you now.
Rhea: RHEA SMASH!!!
I wish I could say that face was at all terrifying.
What the hell kind of a slap is that? It looks like she's petting her. Come on, Rhea, you can do better than that.
Well, maybe not.
Rhea is really making an impression on her neighbors.
Oh, come on, SERIOUSLY? You're supposed to be a mean sim! Some of my nice sims have handled slapfights better than this!
To cheer her up, I invited Nic over, hoping to have them fall in love so I could start popping out the babies as soon as possible. They hung out for a long time on the front lawn, and Rhea decided to make a strategic move to win over her man:
I could've gone my entire life without seeing that.
Nic: ... -smile-
Very classy, both of you. Really.
Unsurprisingly, he was much easier to woo after that. I can't say I'd be too excited about seeing the simgina of someone I met a day ago, but that's just me.
They had a dream date that I didn't take pictures of for some reason, which energized Rhea enough for her to go to work all in the green. Thankfully she and Nic were close to being in love by this point, because I desperately needed the money to expand her house soon.
The next day Nic came over again, and autonomous pillow fighting ensued. I fucking hate autonomous pillow fighting.
Rhea: OWWW! Is he really just playing?
Nic: lol I think I heard her jaw dislocate
Rhea: Goddamnit I have to pretend I'm having fun or else he won't move in with me.
That's the spirit! Complete with creepy zombie grin.
Nic was REALLY, REALLY happy to have someone to pillow fight with. It was here where I began to realize that he wasn't as normal as he appeared to be at first.
But then again, neither is Rhea.
Rhea: hey bby u liek me nao??/
Nic: I LIKE YOU SO MUCH I COULD SUCK YOUR SOUL OUT THROUGH A STRAW
Not quite a straw, but a kiss will work too. With that look on his face, there's no way his intentions are good.
I'm not kidding.
FUCK. Creepy, kind of an asshole, AND poor? Way to pick 'em, Rhea.
Rhea: Hey, you're fun! This is fun! You know what else is fun? Sex!
I think he looks a little afraid. I would be, too.
Nic: Dude, are you stoned?
Rhea: Fuck you, I don't do drugs! Goddamn I am so baked.
Rhea: HEY!! Now that we've had sex and we're standing out on the lawn in our underwear, wanna move in with me?!?!!
Why the fuck is she looking at ME?
He accepted. And now for the unglorious truth:
BUT YOU WORK AT THE LULU LOUNGE. WHAT THE HELL?!
Yay! Maybe it's not all bad!
He pulls his weight though. Albeit in the middle of the night in his bartender outfit. YOU DON'T EVEN REALLY WORK THERE, YOU BASTARD.
I got him a job in the military career track. Which is what Rhea really wants to do. Whatever. Time for his stats:
Nic(holas) Centowski (soon to be Zyzzyva)
LTW: Top of the athletic career
How I ended up with 2 popularity sims even though I hate playing them, I'll never know.
Breathing in toxic fumes is certainly the best way to ensure a long, fulfilling life.
Several minutes later, Rhea comes home from work...
Rhea: This really isn't very pleasant... I hope I don't have to go through this shit again.
We leave off on this semi-adorable picture.
Rhea: Is it too late to move out?
Next time: More popping, a baby, and some other shit I don't know about because I haven't played it yet.